Success! It was not the drive or the card, it was the distro. Oracle Enterprise Linux 5.3 has customized the firewire modules. The standard firewire module sbp2 is bypassed for the firewire_sbp2.
So to summarize how to get a firewire drive clustered with 2 linux servers on OEL5.3:
Disk drives:
LaCie 2big Triple Extreme FW800
Other disks I tried which worked fine:
Maxtor Personal Storage 5000DV FW400
Western Digital 3200 external FW400
Controller cards:
NitroAV 3-port PCIe FW800/400 with TI chipset XIO2213A (
www.firewiredirect.com)
The following cards would probably also work:
PyroAV PVC-815 with TI - XIO2213ZAY
SIIG NN-E38012-S2 (though I could not confirm which TI chipset model is on the card)
The firewire module was blacklisted by default in OEL5.3
In OEL 5.3, do the following:
cd /etc/modprobe.d; vi blacklist-firewire
put a # in front of firewire-ohci module
vi /etc/modprobe.conf
add this line at the end of the file:
options firewire_sbp2 exclusive_login=0
reboot
Repeat on 2nd node; after the reboot fdisk -l on both nodes should list the external firewire drive