Okay. Read over every post on this site I could find, and still no dice.
CD-Burner is installed as a slave on IDE0
running 'dmesg' shows that this is indeed hdb
I updated grub to include ide=scsi as I was supposed to
I then went into fstab, and knocked out the old CD-ROM that used to be there. Here is a copy of my fstab file:

LABEL=/ / ext3 defaults 1 1
LABEL=/boot /boot ext3 defaults 1 2
none /dev/pts devpts gid=5,mode=620 0 0
none /proc proc defaults 0 0
none /dev/shm tmpfs defaults 0 0
/dev/hda2 /swap swap defaults 0 0
/dev/sg0 /mnt/cdrw iso9660 noauto,owner,kudzu,ro 0 0

I have tried (oh how I have tried) every conceivable permutation and combination. Excecuting ln -l /dev/sr0 gave nothing, so I thought it must be on sg0: no dice
tried on sr0: no dice

cdrecord -scanbus tells me its 0,0,0 so it actually finds it. When I start, it says "no mount point", "unexpected filesystem type" and "mount point 0 does not exist"

I have SCSI support compiled into the kernel.

Every program I run trying to make a CD says I either do not have permission (while running as root, even), or merrily goes along and says it is burning, while never actually turning the LED on the drive on (and taking about an eighth of second to burn a 300MB file)

Oh great ones, why can I not get this to work? What am I missing? Do I have to set hb0=scsi in grub.conf, or am I pointing it (dev/sr0) to the wrong place? How do I know where the right place is? (dmesg also, once, gave the proper place as being sr0, BTW)
Please help.

Try creating /dev/cdrw like this

ln -sf /dev/scd0 /dev/cdrw

Change in fstab:

/dev/cdrw /mnt/cdrw iso9660 noauto,owner,kudzu,ro 0 0

Does it work now?

# CD burning info
Is it configured and what is the device? Command this to find out:
cdrecord -scanbus
Adding an IDE CD-Writer to Linux
CD Writing HOWTO
# Burn an ISO to disk
cdrecord -v speed=<burning speed> dev=<your device> /path/to/foo.iso
# Burn from disk to disk
cdrecord -v dev=<your device> speed=<burning speed> -isosize /dev/cdrom
# Generate an ISO from a directory.
mkisofs -Jr -o foo.iso /path/to/directory
mkisofs -vrTJUV "Label" -o foo.iso /path/to/directory
# Generate an ISO from a CD
dd if=/dev/cdrom of=foo.iso
Linux MP3 CD Burning mini-HOWTO
# Convert mp3 to wav with lame
for i in *.mp3; do lame --decode $i `basename $i .mp3`.wav; done
# Burn a CD from wav files
cdrecord -v -audio -pad speed=<burning speed> dev=<your device> /path/to/*.wav
# Erase a CDRW
cdrecord -v dev=<your device> speed=<burning speed> blank=fast

No dice. I did what you said, and the same problems come up.
I get "unmountable block" and "/dev/cdrw is not a mouint point" etc
I tried to chnage target devices to sr0 (no permission), sg0 (doesn't work), scd0 (doesn't exist), etc.
I also followed the link you gave and tried setting "iso9660" to "auto" and that also brought another error saying "you must specify file system type".

cdrecord -scanbus gives:

scsibus0:
0,0,0 0) 'HL-DT-ST' 'CD-RW GCE-8520B ' '1.00' Removable CD-ROM

Any other clues?

You did it!
I have been using the same burning program (cdrbq), and it kept failing.
On a hunch, I tried simpleCDRX, and it worked just ducky.
Thank you very much for your help.

I don't understand those error messages you are getting. Can you paste the exact output of the xterminal into your browser and use the code tags? Swipe the text with the left mouse button down and middle click to paste.

Some questions:

Does the directory mount point (/mnt/cdrw) exist?

Is hdb=ide-scsi in the kernel line in the Linux stanza of your /boot/grub/grub.conf?

As root command lsmod

Make sure these modules are loaded:
sr_mod
ide-scsi
scsi_mod

If not, you need to load the modules

The bible for setting up burners is the CD Writing HOWTO.