i dont really like the way xfce draws the desktop icons either, what i did was disable xfce manageing the desktop too and install rox file manager and run it as rox --pinboard=PIN and this allows me to select only the apps with whatever icons i want for them,
rox --pinboard=PIN works with lots of the lightweight window managers like fvwm, ICEwm, blackbox/fluxbox/openbox, (basically any window manager that does not draw the desktop icons and wallpaper)...
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