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Old 11-26-2002, 08:42 AM   #1
amp2000
Member
 
Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Distribution: Mandrake 9.0 mostly!
Posts: 303

Rep: Reputation: 30
Talking Free Linux book and some jokes


I have just found a very good Linux book available for download, it is very comprehensive, you can download it here: http://rute.2038bug.com/rute.html.tar.bz2

And now for the jokes


DARK IN HERE

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in
the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge
your friends like that...that is way more than those two things
cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit
in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



HU'S ON FIRST (By James Sherman)
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glassof milk. And
then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy
at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?



Cheer's
amp2000
 
Old 11-26-2002, 10:11 AM   #2
neo77777
LQ Addict
 
Registered: Dec 2001
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Distribution: *NIX
Posts: 3,704

Rep: Reputation: 55
I found this list at one of the corners of infinite net (oximoron, eh?)
Quote:
Found on newspapers headlines:

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert says
2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
10.Eye Drops off Shelf
11.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
12.Reagan Wins on Budget, but More Lies Ahead
13.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
14.Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
15.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
16.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17.Miners Refuse to Work After Death
18.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19.Stolen Painting Found By Tree
20.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
21.Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
22.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
23.Drunken Driver Pays $1,000 in '84
24.War Dims Hope for Peace
25.If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
26.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
27.Couple Slain: Police Suspect Homicide
28.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
29.Deer Kill 17,000
30.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
31.Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charges
32.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
33.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
34.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
35.Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping the Needy
36.Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
37.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
38.Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
39.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
40.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
41.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
42.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
43.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
44.Air Head Fired
45.Steals Clock, Faces Time
46.Old School Pillars Are Replaced By Alumni
47.Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
48.Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
49.Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
50.Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
 
Old 12-01-2002, 12:57 PM   #3
Thymox
Senior Member
 
Registered: Apr 2001
Location: Cornwall, England.
Distribution: Debian + Ubuntu
Posts: 4,345

Rep: Reputation: 57
An inuit in his canoe gets a little chilly. He lights a fire to warm up, and burns a hole in his boat. It promptly sinks, thus proving that you cannot have your kayak and heat it!

--

There are 10 people in this world: those that can count in binary and those that can't.

--

Polo walks into a bar, the whole place goes quiet. He walks up to the bar and orders a pint of beer. A couple of chocolate bars in the corner talk quitely to one another: one asks 'who is that guy?', the other replies: 'That's Polo. He's the baddest sweet in town. Don't ever argue with him!' Next, a Halls Soother walks into the bar. Polo looks over, and jumps under the table. The sweet that was sitting at the table looks underneath and says 'What you doing under there, Polo? I thought you were the baddest sweet in town!' Polo looks up and says 'Don't you know who that is? That's Halls Soother - he's menthol!'

--

What's yellow and smells of Bananas?
Monkey sick!

--

More to follow when I can remember them!
 
Old 12-01-2002, 04:14 PM   #4
Thymox
Senior Member
 
Registered: Apr 2001
Location: Cornwall, England.
Distribution: Debian + Ubuntu
Posts: 4,345

Rep: Reputation: 57
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot-dog stand and says 'Make me one with everything'.
 
  


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