Just my 2cents.

If you have never experienced real depression, you need to know that theres NOTHING any outside party can do. Nothing. (sorry)

Warning: dont read this if you cant handle a real downer.

Can you imagine:

* Waking up, sobbing uncontrollably in front of your girlfriend, unable to explain why. Knowing it was absurd and ridiculous, just unable to stop howling and crying, deep chest-heave grie-sobbing. For no reason. A Complete submission to demented sadness. Cannot communicate, don't want to communicate, feeling complete shame.

* Knowing people see your sorry state, they try to help with sincere empathy and you feel burning molten hate for them for doing so.

* No appetite, absolutely unable to eat except by chewing and forcing yourself to swallow. Weight loss, dark sunken eyes, continuous anxiety.

* Absolutely unable to experience joy. Someone's caring touch feels like burning hate.

* When people ask you if you are alright, or worse 'what's wrong' you want to vanish - and you cant - because you don't know whats wrong. And you cant tell them you don't know.

* You cannot bear being alone. You also cannot bear being around anyone else. You cannot bear being at home, and you cannot imagine leaving the front door.

* Trying to sleep seems absurd because you'll just wake up again.

I could go on. Just know: it's worse that what i describe.

For me this was more that 20 years ago. I was 27 at the time (look up the 27 club, i think there's something to it.)

Not for drama but this dark cloud hit me overnite, no warning, no explanation, no diagnosis, even to this day. I woke up sobbing and desperate and absolutely confused. It got worse fast. Mind you, i had tons of friends, big loving family, an awesome girlfriend, a good job and was just finishing my degree at a kick-ass university.

This lasted Six. Fucking. Months. I was lucky - i went to campus one day and decided to seek help at the student center. Plan b was to jump of a building that day, no joke. Lucky it was open and they took one look at me and understood what a state i was in (thank you!). I was put on xanax which seemed to take the edge off but i really, really suffered for a long time. I am amazed at the sheer will we have to live (or to not decide to die)

It is not possible to explain here, or anywhere, with words, the real horror of living during that period.

Honestly the main reason i sought help was that i was young and felt offended at my thoughts of ending it with so much ahead of me. I cared not one whit about anyone else, friends loved ones, etc. Not a bit. Nothing they could do. Believe me. Scary. The other reason: i was very afraid of what might be on the other side. Very afraid. A coward.

Fortunately that shit finally passed. You dont even know it because you're so exhausted. One day you just realize that wow, you're half-way normal again.

So please dont judge. If that dark cloud were to visit me again, there's no doubt in my mind what i'd decide to do.

On the bright side, it's like I feel i did my time, and life has been more than very good ever since, i do not worry at all that i'll ever be in that place again. I am not the same as i was, nor will i ever be, but i think im stronger for it.

Peace.

Here's two cents change:

I think it's pretty cool that you shared that.

I haven't experienced a struggle to that extent. Similar at times, but not what you described. Obviously you are strong. And when you said,
So true. If people knew just how much effort and force of will is used to stay alive and just to maintain our existence... lol... it's in fact, the polar opposite of being weak!

Regarding the not caring about anyone... I sometimes feel like that, but for me, when it gets really bad, I think it's that I'm so caught up with the fight that I might think I don't care about family and friends, or I don't even enough energy left to care about anyone but myself (though more often than not, I feel like I care about myself least of all). And that's probably a good thing, in a way. I think its common knowledge that some people will put others first, ignoring their own emotional needs, to the point where it's actually not healthy. Perhaps that's what happened to Robin Williams.

I think hope is important. In recent years I've come to believe that even false hope is better than no hope at all. If false hope can sustain someone until even a remote possibility comes along that they can manage their illness, or get effective treatment, then hope is good. And if that happens, the hope wasn't false after all. Though I can totally understand why you'd feel that way about getting treatment and don't judge you for it.

I must say, I'd never read anything like what you wrote before. Thanks.

There is always something that "an outside party can do," even though it certainly appears to the afflicted person that there could not possibly be. One of the most awful aspects of Clinical Depression is just how thoroughly it interferes with its own treatment. Sometimes the first time you realize that someone was suffering from it is when you encounter a crumpled, broken (dead) body on a sidewalk beside a tall building. They go back and comb through the belongings and usually find some kind of a journal, often several years long. And the bottom line is, "nobody knew, and they never sought help." The disease first destroyed their lives, then it destroyed them. This unfortunately happens a lot. This is what makes Clinical Depression "a decimator, and a killer."

"Robin Williams was suffering from the early stages of Parkinson's disease at the time of his death, his wife has said."

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-28796277

Parkinson's and depression are associated, so it may be one reason for his depression.

And here it is, Ladies and Gentlemen, why it is worth having a thread like this discussing a man's life work and horrifying, difficult to comprehend end. Please consider that although some saw the conflicts in here as a distraction from perhaps honoring a good man's memory, in fact it has led to information that may help a few understand better, and more, help a victim to seek aid. Like it or not, all of us live a little vicariously thru and invest in celebrities, whether sports figures or those in Science and Art, though in differing degrees. Some do obsess but celebrities are basically icons and many do make a difference whether they chose to or not if only because of their fame or notoriety.

Consider that the fight against AIDs took a huge leap when everyone was so shocked that Rock Hudson was a victim of it. Prior to that there were many cruel ideas and jokes because people thought that it was infecting "only degenerates and Haitians". Once people realized it could affect anyone either personally or within one's family things changed for the better.

So despite the fact that I sincerely wish Robin Williams had gotten some help and was still with us, making us laugh maybe even at growing old and sick, I am also thankful that his passing by whatever means has fueled discussion that will contribute to better understanding of real clinical depression.

PS - It is common for people to shore up their idea that "it can't happen to them" because they never take illegal drugs but the fact is there are more deaths per year from prescription drugs than illegal ones and many can create psychotic and suicidal states of mind in otherwise "normal" people.

Bottom Line - It can happen to you and/or anyone you care about. Don't assume you're immune or that it can't affect you. It can.

It's always hard to walk a mile in another person's shoes.
Does make us wonder. One would think he still had everything to live for.

It wouldn't take too many different Rx drugs to make one go off. Most of the anti-depression drugs have serious side effects. The typical stories we hear from famous deaths involve one or more doctors over prescribing.

In some cases, you are simply better living through an issue over taking drugs.

+1

I am very well aware that people don't like topics like this to develop the way this one did but education against misinformation is an important tool in the fight against things like debilitating depression.

One thing that nullifies the incentive to reach out... well... maybe I'll talk in the first person.

When I reach out, especially to family, and they don't reach back, or after I've expressed my feelings plainly and it's quickly forgotten, or seemingly ignored... it hurts more than before I talked about it. And I don't want to clearly say that it hurt because I don't to hurt them by making them feel guilty, and... I'm afraid they'll point out stuff I've done that hurt them.

It's frustrating because they are understanding, compassionate, and relatively non-judgmental when it comes to depression. I mentioned before my dad committed suicide, that was thirty years ago. She and the siblings I'm close to are very understanding about the issue. There may be some residual anger, but very minor. It's more sadness, regret, feelings of what we lost, etc. We talk about these issues.

I understand they lead busier lives than I do, and I take that into account, trying not to expect more than what's reasonable, and I give back often, with support, and listening to just simple things about what's going on in their lives... But... my interests are so different from theirs, that it appears to me they don't even try to ask me specific questions to show genuine interest. Sometimes they'll listen but much of the time there's no...leading questions or comments. It's as if they just want to go do something else and stay silent so me talking will end sooner.

And other times we really understand each other well, have memorable get-togethers, let each other be who we are.

I know real communication is part of the problem, and I understand how hard it is to practice and work on, esp when free time is very limited. Unfortunately, I have more free time than them right now.

I can't give a full picture without revealing more personal details, so I guess I'll make it clear I'm not asking for advice. I just felt the need to vent directly about what's most bothering me right now. If I had my druthers, I wouldn't be saying all this. I also know that there are people who are going through the same thing, so I hope it can be helpful seeing it expressed by someone else.

And really, it's important to know reason why people don't seek help. We can all receive the message, "Get help, call someone, talk to a professional," but once we as a society have a more complete understanding of the reasons people are reluctant to make the attempt, the message to get help will be more effective because, hopefully, the reasons people refuse can be prevented.

Why don't people seek help? I've listed a family-related one, but what about looking for professional resources?
Is cost a factor?
Do they know that doctors can't force a patient to take a medication unless it's court-ordered, which only happens if one is called to court on some type of criminal offense? (not sure about this one, never experienced it first-hand)
Are they worried about side effects from meds and not fully aware the option is completely up to the patient in most cases?
Have they seen one or two therapist they didn't like and don't want to try for a third?
Is transportation an issue?
Do they know they only have to tell a therapist what they're comfortable telling a therapist?

The second therapist I saw said during a session, "Try to socialize more."

The next session, "Did you get out and try socializing?"
"No, not yet."
"Okay, well, come back and see me when you do."

The third session with him was my last with him. I chose not to see a therapist for two or three years after that. I got meds from a nurse practitioner in the meantime, and once in a while had med management done with a doctor.

So... we can keep telling people to get help, but we also need to address the reasons they choose not to. That's primarily what I meant in an earlier post when I said something about having an "honest discussion." Though I'm not suggesting we're not having an honest, productive discussion already. We are.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks for you kind words earlier, A.Alkaline

Here's some more reasons we dont reach out:

** It's your f-ing MIND. I didn't want to believe that my problem was my mind. Your mind is who you are, after all. It is very, very difficult to accept; only reaching some very low depths was i forced to. At first i went to the university health center & explained how i was feeling. The nurse suggested i see a phsychologist. I couldn't believe it, no way i told her im fine it cant be that, what else could it be? Another nurse suggested acupunture so i jumped on that, cause that's not a shrink - nothing against acupuncture - but it had no effect. One of my other symptoms was ringing in the ears. I actually asked to have them cleaned out, hoping that might be it. It wasn't but i can tell you that they did need cleaning and the procedure is not fun at all. I tried running, changing my diet, you name it. Believe me you need to be driven to you knees before you'll accept that it might be your mind, and that you WILL HAVE TO seek help if you want to live.

** Being treated for mental illness goes on your record. this was a concern of mine, even 20+ years ago. Now, with electronic records, big government,big insurance companies, government healthcare, etc. - seeking treatment, especially when you don't have a very well trusted personal doctor carries very real and significant risks - i mean, think about it.

** We are not taught how to recognize this disease, the symptoms, etc. I had no idea what was going on with me. None. BTW, there's no reliable medical test that i am aware of, even today. There's no agreed upon treatment.

If i might be positive here for a paragraph - I got better, i healed. It took a LONG time. It wasn't counseling or drugs. I never went to counseling. I hated the xanax and took the smallest dose that allowed me to muddle thru. I didnt lose my job, and i finished my degree, tho it wasn't easy. So the positive: my brain was injured. From unknown cause. It could have been hormones, a concussion, genetics, an active virus or one from the past coming back in a new way. WHO KNOWS? Whatever it was, i healed. Over a long time. I've never had a recurrence, tho for a long time i was hypersensitive to any change in mood. No longer. I've traveled the world and live a priveleged life that an amazing and gifted mind has earned for me thru hard work. I am in no way rich but let's be honest: anyone living in the US with a successful career in something they're good at and enjoy, and that requires using your mind lives a very priveleged life no doubt.

Regarding the difficulty in reaching out:

Thanks to all who have shared such intimate information about what it's like when nothing seems to satisfy, let alone fix that which we are reticent if not frightened to address let alone reveal to others.

The only thing I might note to ameliorate the pain of not getting a response or the sort of response we would like, especially from those closest to us, is that it is difficult for them as well, and for various reasons. The biggest one is probably a sense of "powerlessness" at being overwhelmed by the scope and mystery in such internal problems. We men may even have it a bit worse because of all the macho "stiff upper lip - never let 'em see ya sweat" crap we are assailed with our whole lives. I like to remind those sorts of people that bravery isn't the absence of fear, it is acknowledging it's presence but going ahead anyway when the gains warrant the risks.

If only more people realized that even admitting one's sense of being overwhelmed by powerlessness to help someone dear, in need, helps (an example might be, "Man! I'm sorry you're going through all that and I wish I knew some way I could help... if you think of one, I am there for you in any way I can muster. All I can give you now is my concern") whereas "blanking out" ie: no response, or worse "get over yourself", does not. There are times when a slap in the face and a "Man up, dude!" are helpful but it is nowhere near a universal prescription. "There, but for Fortune, go you and I".

In reference to the above post by enorbet in Australia we have "Are you OK?" day as a reminder that it is up to all of us to look out for our friends and family. I think it, I may be wrong though, started out as a way to get men to step up and take action for other men, get them to ask the obvious question of "are you OK?". It is now a generic day but it still works along the line of "mate ship".

These are very revealing, candid, personal posts which show some of the many reasons why people don't seek help, and this is perhaps the greatest tragedy of this disease. Even "well-intended family members who love you" are not really "outside"-enough to be of the greatest help to you. You need to contact someone who is qualified, trained, and neutral.

The first order of business is to determine whether a physical process is at-play, and if so, what sort of treatment options might be effective against it. Obviously, "powerful drugs" are available, but often the first thing that is tried is amino acids and a thorough allergens-panel. ("Broccoli," again.) Mild drug-therapies might be used to push the symptoms back, and to see what sort of drugs do push them back. (This gives clues as to what sort of physiology might be at work.)

They will also review every medication you've taken over the past several years, and any "unusual" ones (by that I don't mean "illegal") that you have ever taken at all. You could be allergic to any of them. Some might have caused lasting effects. Anything and everything that might be "coincident with onset," both of the onset that you perceived and the more-subtle onsets someone else might have noticed, is another clue. One man who worked in a carpet-mill ... changed jobs, and got better. Remember that people have (intentionally) sent themselves off on psychotic trips with the amount of LSD that fits on the back of a postage stamp. The chemistry that we're talking-about here is profoundly subtle.

However, all of that can only follow the true first step: the individual, realizing that something is wrong even though he does yet not know what nor why. Realizing that it is necessary to seek the help of others. And yes, to do that, one of the most potent emotions that you must work-through is, "guilt." It's most important to focus your mind on this thought: that you are suffering from the effects of a disease that is ruining your life and that has no right to be there; that you must rid yourself of it, without ridding yourself of life itself; that you need outside help and an outside point-of-view in order to do that.

Switching briefly to light (a.k.a. comic relief) mode:

Robin Williams death: Relatives pay tribute

His daughter, Zelda Williams:
—
Forums at Psych Central
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 24/7 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Absent: The Movie | Documentary on the social pandemic of fatherlessness afflicting today's societies.

Nuff said by me.

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