Honestly, I don't know what it is I'm "looking for".

To answer Anisha's question of "why do [I] post these blog entries" (before she deleted her post), I suppose it's for two reasons: 1) to "vent", as it were, and 2) because I feel somewhat "safe" here on LQ and the internet. I'm currently living with two step-brothers (both younger than me), and we get along, but it's not like I've told them about any of the stuff I've posted here. I wouldn't dare get into the existential issues with them, because a) they probably wouldn't even understand it, and b) even if they did, they probably wouldn't really care. I have no idea if they even know about the whole geek subculture this blog post is supposed to be about, and to be honest I don't really care to find out.

I say I feel "safe" here on LQ because most of the regulars here seem like nice, mature people (many of which are older than I am anyways). I have a Facebook account, but I hardly touch it. I just can't really "get into" FB. Well, there's that, and then there's the privacy concerns (though I'm sure I've already "put myself out there" in so many other ways that that's nearly moot ).

Basically, long story short: I'm 20, currently jobless, a furry neophyte (if I can even be called that), a Linux nerd, and probably a whole host of other "eccentric" qualities. In other words, I'd probably be seen as a loser IRL. You could say I'm going through somewhat of an "identity crisis".

…thing is, I think it's a bit…more than that. I'd really rather not get into it here, but knowing how you keep telling me I need to "be less shy" or whatever, you'll probably want me to divulge it anyway. Let me put it this way: it all ties in with my existential issues and my ex-spiritual beliefs…kinda. Even I'm not entirely sure how it all fits together.

I think part of my shyness about this whole thing is because I'm afraid of becoming the proverbial designated internet punching bag, even though I'm sure most LQ members (and people in general, most likely ) are probably more mature than that. Apparently I take sh*t too seriously…xkcd included.

There is one other person who I've "opened up" about this with. He's known here on LQ as "lupusarcanus" (he doesn't seem to post here that often anymore, though, last time I checked :-\ ).

Part of the reason I moved out here from Maryland (notice the location change in my profile) was so that it would (hopefully) be easier for me to do just that…I'm just not sure exactly how to approach it all now that everything's different.

I'm not asking for advice here, I'm just stating how it is for me.

…might sound like a nice idea, but I doubt there's much anyone could really say/do to help me out from who knows how far away…

I sincerely hope you're joking…

I have absolutely no idea.

All I know is that I'm afraid that if I told anyone I already know (as in personally) about this whole "thing", I would be looked at as some kind of creep/weirdo for the rest of my life.

The other thing (i.e. the reason why I mention I'm "afraid of discovering something about myself I don't like") is that sometimes I worry that I do lean towards being a ² at times (though not to the extreme that's described in that Urbandictionary definition)…

Seriously, so far I'm both amazed and amazingly thankful for the level of tolerance shown so far in this…umm…thread? …dunno what to call it, since it's not in the forums.

You, sir, are braver than I. I wouldn't even go near that article, for more reasons than one: firstly, I'm afraid of discovering something about myself I don't like (that has to do with that particular thing), and secondly, they probably just tear it down to mechanistic behavioral psychology, and you all should know why I don't like it when people do that… I think my (already pathetic) sense of self-worth would implode upon reading that kind of sh*t.

Dingdingdingdingding!


Yes. Sí. Да. 可以。

If 'net lingo literacy is poor here, allow me to quote Urbandictionary on the term (as a noun):

¹ is me, ² is the retarded stereotype.

The impression I've gotten, though, is that even associating yourself with that term is akin to admitting that you're homosexual or anything similarly stigmatized. You say "furry" (in the slang/noun context) and your name in the same goddamn sentence, and you get pinned as a ², automatically, without question.

Well, I guess this means anyone who regularly visits this blog or the /General forum is never gonna see me the same way again… It sure as hell explains my avatar, doesn't it? I would use something a little more "appropriate" to the subculture (Hammy up there is anthropomorphized, not anthropomorphic), but there are two reasons why I avoid that like the fscking plague: 1) As I mentioned in the post, I wouldn't touch any of those sites with a proverbial 39.5' pole (39 hop traceroute? LOL?), and that includes even a goddamn general image search, due to their associations with definition ², and 2) the moment people see an avatar like that, and are even remotely familiar with what it's supposed to be: ², no questions asked.

Oh, and by the way, now that the cat is out of the bag:

My SHA1 hash from The $RANDOM Thread. I used that because the term can also refer to the characters themselves, not just fans of them.

@Anisha Kaul

You're getting warmer towards the middle of your list…

@lumak

I think the point I'm trying to make is that the definition of what constitutes "depression" or "social anxiety" is becoming more and more broad all the time; it's reaching a point where it's (allegedly) taking a toll on social diversity. I'm not saying we should ban drugs altogether, I'm just saying that we shouldn't be so broad with our classification of what constitutes "mental illness". Hell, some people (myself included) actually like being a certain way, even if they're technically classed under what would be called "mentally ill/disabled".

I will admit that I probably went a little over-the-top with the examples (I don't genuinely think anyone wants to medicate you for being interested in computers ), but I think the point is that at the same time, psychiatrists are (seemingly) going over-the-top with their diagnoses, to the point where just being a geek/nerd is/can be considered a "mental illness". Hell, most people who have a strong hobby with computers/technology are supposedly on the mild end of the autism spectrum: Asperger's Syndrome. Shy around people? Have difficulty telling how others are feeling? Have a profound interest in any one thing? Sorry, you've got a problem, which needs to be treated. Now granted, the first two things I can get, but the last one? Why take that away? It's like it's an either/or situation: either stay the way you are and never be able to interact with "normal" people for the rest of your life, or go with the treatment plan, and be able to interact with "normal" people, but never be able to take profound interest in what you used to like ever again. Choose. (Oh wait, you have no "choice"; it's been determined since the beginning of the universe! Oh well…we'll just see what happens, then. )

TL;DR: My opinion is pretty much that society is becoming more and more fatalistic (i.e. that people can't take care of themselves; we're being seen more as malfunctioning machines than people in need of human care), and is seeing drugs/medication more and more as being the ideal (if not the only) solution to all of life's "problems" (whether they're really problems or not, to those "afflicted").