I figured it out after way too many hours. :/ I'm going to post what I did here:
After trying a million links, stressing out, and needing to linux rescue twice, I did the following:
http://web.telia.com/~u89404340/touchpad/files/
That's where you can get the synaptics driver. Either their INSTALL or README file has instructions, yay! Instructions are a
good thing.
Once I got that installed and followed the instructions, I needed something to manipulate it with to turn of all those annoying features. Here:
http://gsynaptics.sourceforge.jp/
This is the GUI control panel that, again, has directions you can follow AND tells you where it was installed to. (seriously, I have another GUI control panel in whoknowswhere on my system) Great for
s like me. =p
May no one ever again have to deal with annoying overfeatured touchpads! Seriously, there's this one thing where you tap and it goes back a page on Mozilla. -What- were they thinking?! That pad's there to move your cursor. Going back a page is what backspace is for. etc. etc. [/rant]
sary