OK, let's see if I can get all my problems sorted at once...
 

OK, problem 1, my SiS 7012 audio isn't working.

Things tried already:

Disabled ARTS on X startup, nothing happened.

Checked using lsmod. Here's lsmod listing for sound modules:

i810_audio 26248 1
soundcore 6276 0 [i810_audio]
ac97_codec 12488 0 [i810_audio]

dmesg output:

Intel 810 + AC97 Audio, version 0.24, 15:29:58 Mar 14 2003
PCI: Found IRQ 11 for device 00:02.7
i810: SiS 7012 found at IO 0xd800 and 0xdc00, MEM 0x0000 and 0x0000, IRQ 11
i810_audio: Audio Controller supports 2 channels.
i810_audio: Defaulting to base 2 channel mode.
i810_audio: Resetting connection 0
ac97_codec: AC97 Audio codec, id: ALC38 (Unknown)
i810_audio: only 48Khz playback available.
i810_audio: AC'97 codec 0 supports AMAP, total channels = 2

Problem 2, my USB is not working. lsmod shows the usbcore module loaded, but USB devices just don't register. I've got a printer and scanner that are, at the moment, very expensive paperweights.

Well, don't all volunteer at once...

first off flapjack boy (Didn't I just go off on you in a different forum?) be patient if noone answered nobody so far knows, would you like 100 messages that simply say "I don't know"?

now as for your audio problem:

try turning the volume up, the driver is installed correctly,
also have you tried playing mp3's (that you legally own :-D) and did it work, or are kde sound effects the only thing you have tried? the problem might be that kde isn't initilising its sound core (I don't use kde and can't help there)
if volume is not problem and you think kde is fine/don't knwo how to check than it could be a permission problem, login as root and type chmod 777 /dev/mix* /dev/sn* /dev/ds*
then try it

as you usb, are the printer and scanner the only things not working?
better question, do you have a usb mouse/keyboard and are they working?
the problem might not be that it doesn't recognise usb, the problem might be that YOU didn't configure the printer/scanner that wont automatically configure.

based on the laft post I read from you and the impatience of this post I will assume you hate linux and are trying it reluctantly, if this is the case please don't take it out in here.

OK, done that, now what?

Yes, my printer and scanner are the only things on the USB bus.

Then, your assumptions are wrong, I don't hate Linux at all. I am extremely reluctant to go back to Windoze. I just seem at the moment to be having an extremely hard time getting everything working properly. I believe that all the distro makers, rather than adding flashy new themes to their distros should get together and actually work on the real issues that linux has. People aren't going to come over to linux because of a new KDE theme, they're going to come over to it when they percieve it to be a real alternative to Windoze.

after chmod 777 all users will be able to use sound card, not just root, that was it, after that try playing sound, it was a fix in itself

for usb:
type this in terminal:
dmesg | grep usb
see if it has any errors or if ti finds a scanner/printer, or if it has no output at all

as for linuz general:
I understand where you are comming from, I just spent a week with problems, some kernels would not detect my ide form irq errors, others would not detect usb, and it all cam eon suddenly, my 3d dropped to 1fps and I crashed a lot, I eventually figured out ti wasn't the os at all though. my dxr3 was the cause of lockups, and my bios update a few days before screwed my usb and ide, I restored old bias and boom fixed everything (also pulled out dxr3)

as for installers/eye candy/ease of use.:
the developers are there own people they will do what they wan't, the goal isn't to make people use linux, it is to make linux work. this is not directed specificly to you: In linux if you don't liek something change it, that is the point of open source, with things like microsoft you have no access to source and can't change what is unliked, in gnu/linux you can, rather than complaining.

I personally don't have programming skills and can't change a whole lot, but I try not to complain about the hard work people put into this. as well open source isn't made just to be free software, and it isn't made just to be an alternative to windows. the idea behind open sourceis the ability to change things yourself rather than relying on a company.

but as I said I know what it is to be frustrated, and my first 3 months were the worst, but even now 4.5 years later I have frustrations here and there.

and last of all there are afew distros that ditch the eyecandy. I do not know if you have seen any of my other posts around here, but I personally hate redhat/mandrake/suse. my excuse is the flashy installer, the packages and the general have it done only this way mentality. you sound like you also are like this, I therefore recommend slackware or debian.. slackware has no eye candy, is 1 cd and very streigtforeword, it leaves you witha very useable system and is easy to finish.. once installed you still need to configure X and sound and do it manually. the downside: not everyone can do this
upside: configure it yourself from beggining means it is more likely to work well (harder to start it working though)

or debian once again no eye candy, insalls easy and basic, then you can install what you want when you need it (I have not used it much, but enough to know that much)

but really mandrake redhat and suse are the problem:
to much eye candy
to much automatic utilities, they make it very easy for people with common hardware to install, but in the real world the automatic utils only screw things up.

to many packages:
if you install software from source, then go to install a package that requires that software it will fail because you did not use a package... but source installed runs faster and usually works better because it is tailored to your hardware, not general hardware.

What type of hardware do you have flapjackboy?
I assume it is an SiS chipset, but which one? I have a laptop with an ALi chipset and its usb is funky - it was funky in Windows and is still funky in Linux. The audio come up with no sound, if I move the volumes it'll start working. The volume can be 100% but no sound until I move the slider.
Side note: I gave up on Windows about three years ago. It was not perfect either, lockups, terrible usb weirdness, viruses and cost. I have less issues with Linux, when there is a problem I can find it! In Windows half the time it was something funky and a reinstall or uninstall or wipe and reinstall would cure it.
To exodist, I use several flavors of Linux and currently really enjoy Mandrake. I've used Debian, Yoper (underrated), and Gentoo (coolest). Automagic does generally suck, but that is what people need because they generally are too lazy to configure it themselves.

swiftnet

you are probably using alsa whitch mutes sound by default, but voume controls in xmms and so on often unmute when adjusted, d-load alsa-utilities from alsa.sourceforge.net

install them

type alsamixer
if it works you have alsa, adjuts settings

then in terminal type alsactl store

then in startup scripts add alsactl restore and it will load volumes/unmute setting at boot.

if you aren't using alsa I have no idea what is wrong.

Thanks exodist. The volumes aren't muted when it comes up. I set a script up in autostart that would adjust the volumes, since the sound is only used in the GUI. I spent days trying to figure it out, alsa would save the settings, but it still has no sound unless I tell the volume to change, then it has sound - strange, but no biggie. The script was the fix.
The laptop is stable but was funky when I bought it. I now have ACPI working, have cpu throttling scripts when it gets hot, etc. The laptop absolutely s*cked with XP, would lock at least twice a day. The video driver was fixed about three months later, but I was way into Linux by then.

exodist:

result of dmesg | grep usb:

usb.c: registered new driver usbdevfs
usb.c: registered new driver hub
usb.c: registered new driver usblp

now what?

it found your printer (USBLP)

that means there is a point at which you can access the printer, and it means usb works fine.

you need to actually install and configure the printer drivers.

well, I installed the printer drivers through printerdrake, but it's just sitting there, not printing the test page, although it's saying it's communicating fine with the printer.

The sound still isn't working, alsamixer comes up with the following error:

alsamixer: function snd_ctl_open failed for default: No such file or directory

then you ar eprobably not using alsa, I meant that part for the other swiftnet up there.

OK, well, I guess another re-install's in order... I tell you, it seems that it deliberately fscks something up on install, just to annoy you...

Hmmm, haven't we heard that somewhere before?

hey, try a different distro, like try debian if you want thousands of packages that work and auto-install deps if you ask it to. or use slack if you want to compile everything, I think that while you may find it difficult to install those, or not so much difficult then it is less-graphical once you figure it out it should make your life easyer, I do not knowcommand, but in debianyou can type something like:

(package install) -installdeps *whatyouwant* -searchwebforpackages

it will go on, get the newest verison of packages that include your whatyouwantstring then install any deps they need from the package database. and you can do it fromt he 7 cd's full of packages or directly from web if you have fast connection.

only thing is it will not autoconfigure X or Sound for you, but if you have a little patience I can step you through it so that you will go "Oh, that was actually pretty easy"

Well, if I could just get the sound, my printer and my scanner working on my current setup, that'd be fine for now... I tried a debian net install and it fscked the X server up so badly I had to re-install MDK 9.1. So, I think I'd like to get a little bit more comfortable with Linux before I put the hair-shirt on, lol...j/k :D