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View Poll Results: Are you married?
Yes 10 41.67%
No 13 54.17%
In process 1 4.17%
Voters: 24. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 08-19-2017, 11:48 PM   #16
ondoho
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Try to find out more about yourself.
what makes you tick.
I (and many people) tend to repeat my childhood experiences in their relationships. unconsciously always again and agaian finding the person that...
woman == mother
man == father
it's a little simplistic, but psyches often are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arcane View Post
OK. Maybe i got too defensive but that prooves my point.
i think you got pretty offensive there.
i couldn't care less as far as LQ is concerned, but maybe you should apply what you learn/experience here on the forums to your real life, and vice versa.
 
Old 08-20-2017, 06:22 AM   #17
hazel
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Why does everyone have this idea that you are supposed to have a romance and get married? That if you don't, there must be something wrong with you?

Arcane, you probably aren't the marrying type, just as I'm not the marrying type. I'm 72 now and still happily single. Je ne regrette rien.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and accept that you have a vocation to celibacy.
 
Old 08-21-2017, 07:32 AM   #18
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Arcane, good on you for being willing to recognise the "problem" is with you. Whatever your oddities, if you want love, romance, even marriage, then don't let your own "weirdness" put you off. You just need to find someone who can live with it.

I know someone who was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome as an adult. Later on he got into a relationship and told the lady repeatedly that he doesn't think or communicate like others do, and that he was not a safe choice. Knowing that, and knowing him, she chose to accept both - and it's worked so far.

As for me, I would make an OK hermit and many people over the years have tried to explain my "weirdness" with theories including autism (even before it became "fashionable"), childhood trauma (really,I don't think the BBC Master was that bad), or simple misanthropy. None has been proven so far. I learned to accept my self, and gravitate to others who can do the same.

I did eventually get married, to someone who has some similar quirks, and while the similarities sometimes cause friction we're better qualified than most to deal with it. And like a good Linux distro, SWMBO was worth every bit of effort, study, frustration, and hair loss required for installation. Again, it's worked so far. I can also think of several more apparently "typical" people (or Muggles, as I prefer to call them) who got divorced after a few years or even months. Success is more about the work you both put in than how "normal" you can be.
 
Old 08-21-2017, 10:21 AM   #19
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Quote:
And what is wrong with "easy behaviour girls"? Nothing! They deserve justice aswell which is true love. As a person who always believed higher power i will never agree that any life on this planet is without mission from that higher power. Also how come everyone only pretends they dont like them in public but privately go seek their attention anyway. Liars are not honest people.
Nothing and I personally love them, but I would never marry a girl like that and that's just common sense.. And I'll have to agree with Hazel (minus the celibacy part), that it's a common misconception that you have to get married, or find a partner in order to be happy. But that's not true, there's nothing wrong with being alone, as some of the most awe inspiring things that people from around the world go to travel to see, are in soltiude, like the mountains, or the Moon, Sun, etc.. You should look into meditation..

Last edited by justmy2cents; 08-21-2017 at 02:07 PM.
 
Old 08-21-2017, 02:47 PM   #20
rtmistler
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These are my opinions only. I'm old and have grown children, where I'm hoping they'll have children I can have fun with (poke-POKE!!!!). I also grew up with an inclination to be scientific and watched plenty of Star Trek while launching Estes model rockets.

I never met any girls watching TV or launching rockets. You can stop by and my wife will regale you with the romantic story of how we met at a softball game. I can tell it, however I'm not judged to put enough 'wow' into the story.

Since you wrote, my impression is that you wish to meet someone special or explore relationships, and also that you've tried some and they didn't work out.

Well, love is a lot like a batting average, you strike out a lot, hit a lot of foul balls, or sometimes draw a walk. And to extend that analogy, you don't always score when you get on base. This means you should try at it and not give up.

I found my wife when I was not looking. (see above, at a softball game when I was soon to leave for a military enlistment). In fact, I can't find the thread, but a few months ago I commented about short cuts, as in driving short cuts and made a comment about meeting my wife. I said that my friend got lost on a date with her taking a very ill advised shortcut where he buried his car in mud, and that I later married her.

I made myself a happy person, and did stuff I enjoyed. Meanwhile my definition of enjoying life involved going out there into the world, not going online, or sitting on the couch playing video games. There's nothing wrong with personal alone time, playing video games, or being online. However I do feel you need to be "in person" with .... people. This includes people you're not interested in dating.

The human race is a society, we seem to be social animals. And I don't feel that I've traded my soul or anything in particular of my psyche in order to be a married father.

Just to note also. "Life" while the utmost thing for all of us, is not high octane, full speed ahead all the time, and in fact for most of the time, potentially very boring. You can find yourself sitting in a hospital room plastic chair, curled up like a cat, trying to sleep, because your 1 year old has "the croup" and they need to be, "under observation". You could be the required braid'er of hair, as I was for my daughter, for about 12 years. Even though Mom could do a much better job, this was deemed to be Dad's job. So I can braid hair. Add to that, baths, story time, and various other stuff.

Those experiences are some small parts of 28 years. Sit still for 28 seconds and do nothing. Pretty boring. Multiply by a hundred million.

Go on out there and have experiences. They don't have to be movie scenes or beautiful love songs.

The right person for you is not someone you have to change for, or you want to change. Meanwhile, it doesn't hurt to shave, take showers, put on fresh clothes, ...
 
Old 08-21-2017, 03:06 PM   #21
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Thanks again. This idea that being single does not make anyone error of nature is comforting. Sooner or later life fixes anyway for everyone.
http://reformedcollective.com/2017/0...gle-purpose-2/
 
Old 08-21-2017, 06:56 PM   #22
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I'm a loner that needs lots of silence and even when I'm not by myself I'm not a big talker and my small talk is almost non-existent. In October I'll have been married 13 years, while I don't have any keys to success I've always dated outgoing women and I married the strong and outgoing one. My wife compensates for me in public and I'm the person she bounces ideas off and complains to, I listen without much commentary and I fix if she wants but no matter my opinion on what she's telling me I've always got her back. When we fight we really fight, she's kicked me out multiple times, cuffed me in the jaw, and will unleash the fire that is her mouth as hard as I do but in the end we always make "it" happen. We're bonded at the hip and two sides of the same fiery coin so that's my only recommendation find someone who doesn't take any guff and compliments your weak points.
 
Old 08-23-2017, 01:36 PM   #23
sundialsvcs
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Habitual View Post
Volunteer at a Shelter.
woof
... or, volunteer at a human shelter. You have not lived until your back is sore from carrying one 40-lb container of hot soup after another after another. You have not lived until your eyes meet.
 
Old 08-23-2017, 01:41 PM   #24
sundialsvcs
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30 years this year (wow ...), and I still don't know how I got to be the luckiest guy on the planet. (Maybe I followed my parents ... sixty-one years and counting.)

But seriously, it takes a lot of patience and determination on the part of both of you, and you must never, ever take it for granted. You will fight – no two people can be wholly committed to something without there being conflict – but you will prize the greater thing that you have, above and beyond the fight, and above and beyond yourselves. The two of you can craft a foundation that cannot be moved, and keep it that way. But, it will be a choice that you make and re-make, every single day.

"And I show unto you a mystery ..." Indeed.

Last edited by sundialsvcs; 08-23-2017 at 01:43 PM.
 
Old 08-23-2017, 03:03 PM   #25
vmccord
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I'm a weirdo. Twenty years ago I did not want to be weirdo. I wanted the things that I did not think I could have because I am a weirdo: a husband, two kids, a dog, a mortgage, and a white picket fence. I married someone who was attractively normal. Fast forward twenty years. After five years of big-time, heart wrenching, agonizing couples therapy I finally learned who I was and what was important to me. More importantly, I learned I have to meet the other person in the middle. And most importantly, I learned that If meeting the other person in the middle takes you too far away from who you are then the relationship is not a good fit.

I hope that makes sense. A relationship is the intersection in a Venn diagram. You have to be willing to extend yourself because you want to. Extending yourself does not mean changing who you are, it means deciding for yourself what is super important to you, your values, your sense of self and what areas are open for negotiation to accommodate what is super important to the other person, his/her values, and his/her sense of self.

In terms of practical advice: Match.com. There is a reason they are expensive. You get what you pay for. But there's no point if you aren't sure that you actually want to take on the work.
 
Old 08-23-2017, 03:37 PM   #26
hazel
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I don't see myself as a weirdo. Eccentric perhaps, but that's a term of approval in England. However I am definitely asexual. This is a sexual orientation in its own right, though not a well known or generally approved one. It's simply the way some people are, like being gay or bi.

I knew by the time I was ten that I didn't want children. I remember worrying about how I would explain this to my husband (who presumably would want a son). But within a couple of years, I had realised that I didn't actually want the husband either!

To this day I don't understand how it is logically or psychologically possible to desire another person. You can desire things obviously. You can desire experiences like sexual pleasure -- but that's an easy desire to satisfy. You can give yourself an orgasm as readily as you can fry yourself a steak. But a person? It's a complete mystery to me.

Last edited by hazel; 08-23-2017 at 03:40 PM.
 
Old 08-23-2017, 05:45 PM   #27
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I'd imagine it differs for woman than men, but for men (and know this cause im a man) its like waking up to beautiful sunset everyday.. For a woman, I believe there was an acronym called A.R.D.A, (I got this from a movie ; activities you can share together, romance, danger, adventure) woman like that kinda stuff... But rule #1 always love yourself first, as you don't really have anything if you don't at least have yourself..

Last edited by justmy2cents; 08-23-2017 at 05:47 PM.
 
Old 08-23-2017, 07:58 PM   #28
sundialsvcs
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Marriage is not necessarily about sex and/or children. My brother had three. Goody for him ... I dote on them, then we leave. We didn't want rug-rats of our own, and that was that. On the other hand, he's lovin' every minute of it, as it damn well should be. Goody for him.

(hazel) If you ever find that person – enjoy. And if not – enjoy. If you're not even looking – enjoy! The desire to spend one's life with another person is not simply a matter of hormones or pheromones. (Or, necessarily, gender. I know a pair of men who've been in a strong relationship for more than twenty-five years. "It's not my our thing, but hey." If two adult human beings find any sort of bond that withstands decades, I think that's a precious thing worth celebrating, because not too many couples in this world ever find it – or, keep it.)

"To thine own self be true."

Last edited by sundialsvcs; 08-23-2017 at 08:11 PM.
 
Old 08-24-2017, 06:12 AM   #29
jsbjsb001
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sundialsvcs View Post
Marriage is not necessarily about sex and/or children. My brother had three. Goody for him ... I dote on them, then we leave. We didn't want rug-rats of our own, and that was that. On the other hand, he's lovin' every minute of it, as it damn well should be. Goody for him.

(hazel) If you ever find that person – enjoy. And if not – enjoy. If you're not even looking – enjoy! The desire to spend one's life with another person is not simply a matter of hormones or pheromones. (Or, necessarily, gender. I know a pair of men who've been in a strong relationship for more than twenty-five years. "It's not my our thing, but hey." If two adult human beings find any sort of bond that withstands decades, I think that's a precious thing worth celebrating, because not too many couples in this world ever find it – or, keep it.)

"To thine own self be true."
Kinda with sundialsvcs (and most other members) on this one, Arcane. Don't worry about what others think, as in my experience, others making such judgements about you are ether, insecure themselves, like judging others and/or like putting others down, to make themselves feel better, in other words, usually pretty selfish people, and/or what most would call know-it-all's.

My father expected me to marry and have kids (I voted "No") and it's like, do I get a say in this? It's only MY life your talking about!

As he was ONLY thinking of himself and his own wants, and is a pretty selfish guy to be honest. On one hand I guess it would be nice to have that, but on the other hand, kinda happy NOT to have the responsibility as well, maybe one day, maybe not.

If your not happy within yourself, it does not matter, who you are with, you will probably still be unhappy.

Make up your own mind what you what out of life, best of luck with it!

Last edited by jsbjsb001; 08-24-2017 at 06:54 AM. Reason: additions
 
Old 08-24-2017, 09:24 AM   #30
vmccord
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Originally Posted by jsbjsb001 View Post
My father expected me to marry and have kids (I voted "No") and it's like, do I get a say in this? It's only MY life your talking about!
Both my parents were like this. They said they wished they could keep my ex and let me go. My ex comes across as so normal. (25 years and I know that's not quite accurate.)
 
  


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