Polite ways to tell people to fsck off
 

Found this randomly surfing the web. It cracked me up. I especially like #28 and #38 (to this one I would add "also lose my passwords and all the personal information you've ilegally gathered about me).

And since some corporate psychopaths and undesirable people have been pestering me and harassing me lately, I have this one of my own: "For safety reasons, stay away from me (for YOUR safety, that is)." This is particularly addressed at the some stalkers that some corporate psychopaths have sent to follow me. I hope I don't "accidentaly" bump into them again.

This also cracked me up.

"I'm a mass murderer, what's your address?" :p

"I'd like to date your mother, can you can give me her phone number?" :p

LOL, I'd LOVE to have the address of some random people :D... Nah, just kidding, I'm just ranting.

"I like you and all, but I think I might be a shape-shifter." :p

"I prefer non-humans to human friends." :p

I think really it's the unintentional, inadvertent things we say which stop others talking to us. I can think of three instances where I've said things to people which have caused them never to speak to me again [and in each case, they were all female, coincidentally].

1. A girl texted me to invite me to a friend's birthday party when I was about 21. I didn't know this other girl or like her much, and I thought she only wanted to invite me to bump the party numbers up. When asked my address for the invitation I purely replied, "I live in a cave". I never heard from either girl again.

2. A good friend of mine sent me an email petition to sign. Now I absolutely detest email petitions because I think they're pointless and thankfully they've died a death now. I wrote back to my friend telling her, in detail, why email petitions were pointless and why the subject of her particular petition was unoriginal and somewhat banal. She got very offended and though I think we met up once after that, I haven't spoken to her for years [even though, oddly enough, I saw her on the train the other day but was too embarrassed to speak to her].

3. The cellist of the band I was in in the late '90s sent a group email saying she was playing in public down in central London and requested people to go along to support her. I wrote her a response saying, "you can stick it up your muff" to which she replied, "I'll do just that, thank you". I never heard from her again either.

I am not proud of any of these things.

This is how I do it:

"So I see you use Windows? Now let me tell you a little bit about UNIX..."

I can relate to that.

"I like you and all, but I'm currently on day-release." :p

This works always, I see you like X here's Y for you to look into :D
Key is to find some popular interest (like music) and keep countering it like: IC your [Nickelback] and raise you a [Crowd Deterrent] for your convenience.
It isn't insulting or anything, but is infuriating enough for most people to give up. Mission complete.

For the record - I was joking. I don't discuss operating systems with people (even if they want to).

But sometimes the only way of ending the conversation is to make their eyes glaze over...

And for butthurt people you've had a relationship with I especially like these two:

"I wish we were better strangers".

"I think it’s best if you pretend we never met, I already have. Thank you for your understanding".

(I really wish that some undesirable moronic people understood I DON'T ever want to know about them and I would be delighted if they would REALLY feel the same about me, which is not the case since they've been using my ISP to hear my conversations for months and to hack me. I kid you not guys, sometimes RRReality overcomes fiction). Anyway, greetings to all the SOBs from my former ISP, I sincerely wish the worst for you.

"I'm sure you're a nice person, but I think I'm better off alone." :p

Here's another one:

"I'll let you know when you matter... in the meantime, find a good chair."

Didn't realize it was suits you were talking about, figured it was just some random trolls.
The moment where you cost them more coin than they can profit off you, they'll burn that bridge on their end.
Suits hate digging through trash, so I guess securely locking away few terabytes of garbage should work just fine, fwiw.