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Old 10-28-2021, 06:27 PM   #16
Soadyheid
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A little guy walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, does anyone here have a big German Shepherd dog tied up outside?"

A huge guy with a scarred face and multiple tattoos looks up from his beer and says, "Yeh, me, why?"

The little guy stands there shaking and says "I think my dog has just killed it."

The huge guy stands up, all six feet five of him in his logger's boots and shouts, "Your dog has killed Fang? How on Earth... What kind of a dog have you got."

The little guy now quaking in his boots with sweat streaming down his face in fear croaks nervously, "a Chiwawa."

"What!" shouts the big guy, "A Chiwawa? How the hell did he manage to kill my dog?"

The little guy gulps, "I think he got stuck in its throat."

The old ones are the old ones!

Play Bonny!

 
Old 10-29-2021, 04:22 PM   #17
newbiesforever
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michaelk View Post
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender said we don't serve food.
(I love that one.)

An hour later, a mob of protesting sandwiches surrounded the bar; while on Twitter, other sandwiches cancelled the bartender as a racist. Passersby observed that sandwiches are not a race. Then they ate those of the sandwiches that still looked fresh. Those which had started to look spoiled got taken behind the bar and thrown in the dumpster. The passersby marveled at seeing sandwiches walk and talk. No one understood how, but agreed that nobody cared, because the sandwiches were delicious.
 
Old 10-29-2021, 04:26 PM   #18
newbiesforever
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Bar jokes are a marvelous outlet for human creativity. They are not tiresome, because they're unpredictable.
 
Old 10-29-2021, 06:32 PM   #19
michaelk
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A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.
 
Old 10-30-2021, 12:46 PM   #20
Soadyheid
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A cowboy walks into a saloon and brushes the dust off his clothes after a hard cattle drive. "Set 'em up bartender!" he cries taking out his colt 45 and loosing off a shot which takes the moustache off the piano player, the smell of singed hair slowly filling the room.

"Nice gun," says the bartender as he pours a shot of whisky and slides it along the counter, "Can I have a look?"

The cowboy puts the gun on the bar counter and the bartender looks at it in admiration, "Hmmm... embossed silver plated barrel with an inlayed mother of pearl handle, but shouldn't you have it greased?"

The cowboy looks aghast, "Greased? why would I have such a beautiful gun as this greased?"

The barman smiles and nods at the piano player in the corner, "Cos when Wyatt Earp over there finishes playing the piano he's going to shove it right up your a***."

Play Bonny!

 
Old 11-01-2021, 10:44 AM   #21
Pastychomper
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A cowboy finished his drink and walked out of the saloon. Thirty seconds later he walked back in, fired two shots into the ceiling and announced, "When I came in here I left my horse tied up outside. I just went out and he was gone. Now, I'm going to have one more drink, and if my horse isn't returned by the time I'm done then I'm going to have to do what I once did in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't like doing what I did in Texas."

The entire saloon watched in silence as he stalked over to the bar and ordered his drink, and by the time he'd finished his horse was tied exactly where he'd left him. As he mounted, the bartender came out and said "Glad to see you found your horse, stranger. Now if you don't mind my asking, what was it you did in Texas?"

The cowboy replied, "I walked home."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soadyheid
The old ones are the old ones!
Yup.
 
Old 11-01-2021, 10:55 AM   #22
michaelk
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Sans Serif, Helvetica and New Times Roman walk into a bar, the bartender says we don't serve your type here.
 
Old 11-01-2021, 10:58 AM   #23
michaelk
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
 
Old 11-01-2021, 02:43 PM   #24
newbiesforever
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Originally Posted by michaelk View Post
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
[snicker] The sheer number of forms and variations bar jokes may take...

Okay, you started this type--variations on the word "bar." I'm trying this one, but haven't figured out how to make it funny. A man walks into a bear.

Last edited by newbiesforever; 11-01-2021 at 02:46 PM.
 
Old 11-01-2021, 03:45 PM   #25
enigma9o7
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John and Joe have been chatting and drinking for hours at the bar and getting a little tipsy. John excuses himself to go to the mens room, Joe calls over the bartender, buys another beer and says "I'll bet you $100 that when I finish this beer, I can put the empty glass on this bar and piss into it, filling it to the top without spilling a single drop." The bartender accepts.

Fifteen minutes later, Joe puts his empty glass on the bar, drops trou, and proceeds to urinate everywhere except the glass! He's peeing on the floor, peeing on the bar, there's even pee splashing onto the bartender, who is in fact grinning. After Joe finishes up, another patron who had overheard Joe make the bet with the bartender says, "Why do you look so happy, you just lost $100!" to which Joe replies, "Before making that bet, I bet John $500 I could piss on the floor and bar, and not only not get kicked out, the bartender would smile about it!"
 
  


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