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adamb10 06-16-2005 01:13 PM

Linux Humor
We've all seen the Windows jokes. How about some Linux ones?


Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for.

Microsoft gives you Windows... Linux gives you the whole house.

Linux, DOS, Windows NT -- The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. Linux is the answer.

Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.

Linux, because we don't need no steenkin' Blue Screen of Death!

Type cat vmlinuz > /dev/audio to hear the Voice of God.

The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog

Fatal Error: Found MS-Windows System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...

Computers are like air conditioners -- they stop working properly if you open WINDOWS

Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

XavierP 06-16-2005 01:31 PM

They aren't very funny. :)

oneandoneis2 06-16-2005 02:40 PM


The box said "Windows 98 or better" - so I installed Linux

lowpingnoob 06-16-2005 07:28 PM


Originally posted by XavierP
They aren't very funny. :)
not really.

kencaz 06-16-2005 07:50 PM

Found this on LQ awhile back don't remember where:


% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man: : Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% man woman
No manual entry for woman.

% %blow
%blow: No such job.

% (-
(-: Command not found.

% sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

win32sux 06-16-2005 08:54 PM

the woman one worked fine for me and the BJ one also (sorta)...

but the rest didn't... =(

bash-3.00$ [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
bash: [Where: command not found

bash-3.00$ ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
bash: :s^How did the sex change^ operation go?: substitution failed

bash-3.00$ If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
bash: syntax error near unexpected token `('

bash-3.00$ make love
make: *** No rule to make target `love'.  Stop.

bash-3.00$ sleep with me
sleep: invalid time interval `with'
sleep: invalid time interval `me'
Try `sleep --help' for more information.

bash-3.00$ got a light?
bash: got: command not found

bash-3.00$ man: why did you get a divorce?
bash: man:: command not found

bash-3.00$ ^What is saccharine?
bash: :s^What is saccharine?: substitution failed

bash-3.00$ man woman
No manual entry for woman

bash-3.00$ %blow
bash: fg: %blow: no such job

bash-3.00$ (-

bash-3.00$ sh $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
sh: $: No such file or directory

bash-3.00$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
bash: matter: Is a directory


rksprst 06-16-2005 10:09 PM


Originally posted on

"Avoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux " -- Unknown

"being a Linux user is sort of like living in a house inhabited by a large family of carpenters and architects. Every morning when you wake up, the house is a little different. Maybe there is a new turret, or some walls have moved. Or perhaps someone has temporarily removed the floor under your bed" -- Unknown

"Besides, I think Slackware sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?" -- Unknown

"Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117" -- Unknown

"Linux is not user-friendly. It _is_ user-friendly. It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly." -- Unknown

"linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste " -- Unknown

"linux: the choice of a GNU generation " -- Unknown

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO (or Linux) is the answer" -- Unknown

"MS-DOS, you can't live with it, you can live without it." -- Unknown

"No. That's it. The cool name, that is. We worked very hard on creating a name that would appeal to the majority of people, and it certainly paid off: thousands of people are using linux just to be able to say "OS/2? Hah. I've got Linux. What a cool name". 386BSD made the mistake of putting a lot of numbers and weird abbreviations into the name, and is scaring away a lot of people just because it sounds too technical. " -- Linus Torvalds

"The box said that I needed to have Windows 98 or better... so I installed Linux" -- Unknown

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity" -- Dennis Ritchie

masonm 06-16-2005 11:26 PM


Linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste
Always one of my favorites. Makes a great tee-shirt and a pretty good email sig.

If you look through windows you can see what people are doing. If you try to look through a penguin it will bite you.

dns21 06-20-2005 01:12 PM


Originally posted by win32sux
the woman one worked fine for me and the BJ one also (sorta)...

but the rest didn't... =(

Did you notice the percent sign (csh not bash)?

harken 06-20-2005 02:16 PM
Anyways, sorry to spoil the fun:

win32sux 06-20-2005 07:59 PM


Originally posted by dns21
Did you notice the percent sign (csh not bash)?
actually, no, i hadn't noticed... :) thanks for the heads-up!! but yeah, i had figured it was probably because of a different shell - i just didn't know the percent sign meant it was csh, i've only used bash... :(

maybe this is a sign that i should give csh a try... i think later tonight i might install it and give it a shot (not just for the joke, but for general use ;) )

dns21 06-21-2005 01:40 AM

I knew that different shells had different signs but I was actually looking up Unix jokes to add some content to my website and I ran in to that set (a few were slightly different) of jokes on a previous website and they had a combination of the two shells (bash and csh) and a notice at the beginning. Some of them don't work anymore though. But You will get a few others that do.

You probably already have that shell but have never used it because bash is the default, and because you run slackware and I had it :-). Just open up a terminal and type csh or tcsh, I read that they were pretty much the same shell because the programming constructs and symbols resemble those of the C programming language.

win32sux 06-21-2005 01:54 AM


Originally posted by dns21
You probably already have that shell but have never used it because bash is the default, and because you run slackware and I had it :-).
nope, cuz i didn't do a full install, i just installed the packages i needed/wanted, so i don't have it... it's all good i'll just install the csh package as soon as i am able to, no problem...

win32sux 06-21-2005 01:55 AM

here's part of a forwarded email i once got from a friend of mine... the email's subject was "How to Piss People Off" and it consisted of several sections... here's the computer-related section of it:


40 Ways to Piss Off People in a Computer Lab:

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

10. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

11. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

12. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

13. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

14. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

15. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

16. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

17. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

18. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

19. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

20. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

21. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

22. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

23. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

24. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

25. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

26. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

27. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

28. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

29. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

30. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & take it.

31. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

32. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

33. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

34. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

35. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

36. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

37. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

38. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

39. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

40. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

dns21 06-21-2005 02:08 AM

I ran into that one as well. :-)

This one was pretty clever....



BABY - create new process from two parent processes


BABY sex [ name ]


/usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]


The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-

tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing

SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.


BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server

process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the

system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately

40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require

constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.

Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating

process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions

the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon

completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active

during the final stages of BABY.

example% BABY -sex m -name fred



option indicating type of process created.


process identification to be attaced to the new process.


Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process

being created and named. Parent processes then typically

broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their

new status in the system.


The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some

time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts

which must be handled by one or more parent.

BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump

in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one

of the parent processes.

The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions

regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.


cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)



FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept

responsibility for anything.


baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck

completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at

9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing

fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably

come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten

from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to

show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin

in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do

this weekend.

Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:23 PM.