Hari's Little Contest#1: Linux Troll Essay Contest
 

I am planning to run a series of little essay-writing contests (I'm truly sorry I cannot provide physical prizes at present because of lack of resources) and I would like some entries from LQers. I will announce the winners here.

I will be putting up three of the best entries received (along with the name of the winners) in my website and I hope as many of you can participate in it as possible. It will be fun and it will be a good exercise in writing.

Note: If any of you *do not* want me to publish entries posted in this thread in my website, please do state so and I will respect your wish. Those entries will not be judged for the contest. I request the moderators of the general forum, namely XavierP, acid_kewpie and Mara to be the judges for this contest and select the three best entries.

If you have any doubts or require clarifications please don't post in this thread, but e-mail me so that we can keep this thread open only to contest entries.

The first contest will be quite fun and is an exercise in simulation. We have all seen Linux trolls everywhere. Now is your turn to take a dig at all trolls by writing a satirical trolling article/essay on Linux.

Rules of the first contest:

1. This particular contest is open only to registered members of LQ.org. Entries sent by e-mail will not count.
2. Subject: Write a short essay as a Linux troll. Make your essay as provocative as possible (that is one that would generate maximum replies and argument) without actually using foul/abusive language. Make it thoughtful, insightful yet as trollish as possible. There is no word limit, though keeping it short and simple will help. Humour and sarcasm will help.
3. You can post as many entries as you wish. All entries should be posted in this thread.
4. Do not use abusive/foul language. I cannot stress this enough. Entries containing foul/abusive language will be disqualified.
5. The three best entries will be judged by the moderators of General. Their decision will be final and binding.
6. The contest will end by the end of this month. 30th of June will be the last date for entries.
7. The three winning entries (in 1st, 2nd and 3rd place) will be posted in my website.
8. Winners will be announced here and the winning entries (along with the user who posted them) will be posted in my website.
9. In case less than three entries are received, the contest will be closed. No winners.

If the moderators have any objection to this thread, I request them to contact me and clarify. I would be very grateful if you could air your objections to me.

70 views and no entries yet. Let me kickstart this then. Note that this entry is an example and not considered for the contest.

I wrote this essay entirely from my imagination and this essay does not represent my views! :)

Sorry, my brain is mush right about now, I'll see if I can come up with something... Until then I can see this is going to be fun!! :)

I've been busy with my anti-troll "Linux is not Windows" article, but I'll work on the troll ASAP

lynucks suX0r!!!! U aLL thiNk uR l33t becuz U uze liN(s)uCKs, but n0thyng evr wurkz. oMG windows rULez! i lyk my komputR to w0rk s0 i can plAy gamez, not hAff to mess around with it aLL the tymE! :p :cry: :jawa: :mad: :D :o


:rolleyes:

i guess i'd make a rotten troll. :( :p

oneandoneis2, n0xvb: I look forward to your entries! Thanks ;)

synaptical: Thanks. Shall I consider that your entry? Note: you can post more entries if you want. Just make sure you use the "quote" option to separate your main post from your entry.

Looking forward to more entries!

Thanks and Regards.

Linus is silly and itss stink<!

Fisrt i wanna say that I just stole this compueter yesrterday to plays a games with my friensd. We plays at sends virusses at ich ozer. THats's FUNN !!! Gahhahhha !!
The namz on the compuetre was Harishnakar and i t had nuthin but silly linus on. Lots of linus, ze guys like it !

I usally stole compuerters with Windos on it, coz' it s eazi and their always have lost of , ya
kno, nudie women an'all, on 'em.

It is so complicatted that i cann't undersatnd anyting.
So I come to thsi site to found if piple here can helps me and i don't kno why, they dont's.
I am shure its coz' they dont kno they selfs to uze the comps.

Some of zem on this borring site they'ze got 'gurus' undr ther namez. Me i kno 'Skippy' the Kanguru but its a like them big rats with longg tailz tyhey'z live in austria or Austra, far from here anyways. Why are they calls zem selfs 'Kangurus'. IT's stoopid !!

Linus is A birdy with live in Antaractica, in them hissbergs; it's no kanguruz.
On Windoz ya just plugz in the mainz an the box is OKAy , wel, at lease 15 minits.
On linus, ya can let it go all nite but ya need 3 yearz to kno to uze it §!

Linus stinks. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!é'_çifb s,;o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harishankar, while I realize this is just for fun, I personally read enough "Troll crap" everyday.

I would like to see something along the lines of proper user input validation and error control.
Programming stuff.

I'm not one to thread jack though, so against my better judgment..... :)

/Begin insane meaningless straw-man arguments that I don't even believe myself.


It's finally official. After fifty years of painstaking research and BILLIONS of dollars
we finally have the answer to the question that's been on all our minds since birth.

Is Linux ready for the desktop.

Fortunatly for the rest of the world this research was done on the American taxpayers
dime. In a deal between Bush and the Devil(which all parties agree was not coerced
and was penned in blood) five of the top 1000000 researchers funded by 2% of 28%
of the remaining 68% where the top 3 of the aforementioned top 5 revealed today that
there is a 50% chance that their claim is indisputable. According to the agreement
between Bush and Beelzebub (from now on referred to as the "No blood for Linux scandle")
we will all be able to sleep without having to worry whether Linus "I'm a commie" Torvalds
(which this reporter has on the highest authority is actually a gay homosexual alien from
the crab nebula) will be coming to get them or their childern.

I for one am glad that this mess has finally been cleared up and I'm sure you all are as well.

Don't forget to check my exclusive behind the scenes look at reporters entitled "Um, I'm
pretty sure I didn't make THAT story up."

/end random meaningless comment.

Actually that was pretty fun. Hope you all get a little laugh, I did while writing it.
Zack

zackarya, thanks for your entry ;)

My next essay contest will be on something more serious. Don't worry. :)

O.k. I've got one more. I'm a glutton for punishment. :)


My Linux horror story.

Well I finally broke down and tried this "Linux" thing that everyone was talking about.
I went into this with high expectations. Now don't get me wrong, I never thought that
it was going to be as good as Windows is, but I never could have imagined the pile of
steaming crap that "Linux" would turn out to be.

For starters, now get this, if I wanted to get this so called "free" program, I would have to download a FULL CD. Now
like most of you I have an AOL dialup account and as you can imagine this was not an option for me. I was already getting the
feeling that "Linux" was for the super uber geeks that have that "Broadband" stuff. That was nut kick number 1. But I'm a trooper,
so I searched for some other way to get it. Well after countless hours of searching I came across someone who was willing to
send me a DVD. Now for my second kick in the nuts. This guy had the nerve to ask me for four dollars to send it to me. FOUR
DOLLARS for a friggin "free" program. I'm starting to think these FLOSS people don't understand what the word "free" means.
I think FLOSS needs to look at the way MicroSoft does things. When I bought my computer, Windows XP was already on there for FREE.
I was determined to find out what the hype was about though, so I emptied my bank accounts and sent the guy the money.
Finally, like a WEEK later my DVD arrived. I sat down, put the DVD in my CDROM and waited.
Nothing. NOTHING. I was immediately on the phone with my local police department to report the fraud that I was just a victim
of. That's when I got my third kick in the nuts. They told me there was nothing they could do about it. I'm out my life savings
and nobody seemed to care.

That was my experience with "Linux". I don't want to sound bitter but until FLOSS can fix the following problems with "Linux" you
would be well advised to stay far far away(unless you enjoy being repeatedly kicked in the nuts).

1. FLOSS should just send everyone free copies of Linux, if it really is "free".
2. Linux needs to be able to stop people from selling fake copies of itself.
3. Linux needs to have local police agencies behind it.
4. Linux needs to make a deal with the Post Office so that it doesn't take so long to get it.

And the MAIN thing FLOSS needs to do with Linux -

I should be able to run "Linux" from Windows. That's the only way to be sure it works correctly.

I'll be sticking with Windows XP. I mean, think about it. There was Windows 2000, 2003 then XP. Obviously MicroSoft has invented
some sort of time travel device and brought back technology from so far in the future we've run out of numbers to describe it.

Zack

Nice one, zackarya! ;)

Are you for real? :D

My Linux Rant:

To all the hackers,

There is a pluge, a cancer living amoung us. A growing problem. Today I cought a my brother hacking someone. He broke my new dell. I went to boot it on and discovered that he illegally installed hcking tooling onto my computer. The screen was all back with white letters that said "root@localhost #" I found he was using an illegal program called "irc" to help him install a hacking tool called "liunx". I did my research, liunx is used by hackers to hack AOL uses and steal money from microsoft. If you know anyone using this program, please turn them into the police. Don't believe me, read it for your self: http://www.microsoft.com/getthefacts. after talking to dell tech support, I found out that the only way to fix this was to buy a new computer. I have had my computer since 1996 and don't see why I should have to get a new one. LIUNX IS AN ILLEGAL HACKING TOOL that must be distroyed.

-Joey

That was quite original and also quite different too from the usual ones, Joey. Good work. Thanks! :)

Fu Bar, Jr.
coder from Nutbush

Wow, Chinaman, that was a MEGA Linux rant... we need to see more of those! Thanks! ;)

Hey guyss, juthst to say,
 

Uh-oh (I can't believe I'm doing this). This is based off real life experiences not just the internet. Wasn't quite sure what a troll was, but by reading the others I think I get it. If this doesn't fit the category right, just let me know and remove the post.

Here it goes:

Gosh!!! I just bought this AMD 64 laptop from emachines, and like my friend said I should switch to linux. I said right back like, "Man!!!!!! Duuuude!!!!? I'm not going to pay 200 dollars for a stupid OS!!! I mean I understand the advantages of linux and all, and mandrake move was ok, but I mean, I can't even go to homestar or anything because it doesn't stupid have internet. I like tried it with my friend once, and it was ok but, there are so many programs that linux doesn't have that I use all the time. Why would I even use my computer if I couldn't use Internet Expolorer ("the best program ever") and Microstuff Word ("like the second best program ever"). And, I mean, you know i downloaded photoshop, what am i gonna use for that huh!!!? I mean, there's other essentials to life that don't come with linux, like excel, and powerpoint. Most importantly, what about the important stuff that really matters, like half-life two, doom 3, and warcraft. I wouldn't be able to use my starcraft map hacks in linucks. Ahh!

Oh, and that guy that lost his XP home product key, after mandrake, we just went back to windows. He bought XP Pro! (Isn't that pretty sweet). I'd better go buy XP Pro x_64 so I can be better than him. Who would want to use linux on their Athlon 64 when they could be using an OS designed for my superior 64-bit processor?

End Ramble *phew*

slackwarebilly

(kinda funny how this guy I know didn't want to pay 200 dollars for linux. (?)/ He proceded with his friend who had lost his XP license to spend 200 or 300 dollars on an XP Pro full install. Ahh!

Okay, who won the kon test? Seems that Literati Forums don't have nutin bout it nether. And while ur at it, this new osperating system you've hooked into -- why is it named after a man and a woman? Something fishy there. Well, thar is some fellers back where we came from named thar yungun Nos Mo King. Seemed lik a guud thang at the furst...

Well, just so them modernraters has sompin to do, make a knote bout the kon test, ok?

I got to git this new karnel, senc chikin and korn is my favurets!

Ad it: I also hard that Debian was rely unstable...

Definitely. Less than 50% of the symbols in your message consist of digits and other odd characters meant to be viewed upside-down and backwards...

Load your iPod with Brittney Spears music (sic) and try again. :D

Has anybody read the UNIX-HATERS Handbook? I'm reading through that and it's got to be one of the biggest trolls I've ever seen.

I'm not sure if this is appropriate, but I wrote this five months ago and originally posted it on the Ubuntu Forums:

The Chinese Language is not "Ready for the Desktop"

Why can't Chinese just be simple like English?

I mean, everywhere I go people are speaking English. If I need help, I can always ask questions about English. English is taught in schools, and most of the bookstores stock books in English.

Chinese just isn't ready for ordinary people. Maybe linguists can use Chinese as a hobby language, but I mean--come on--Chinese doesn't even have an alphabet. How is Joe Sixpack going to learn Chinese? Ordinary people don't want to learn a language; they just want to use it. They want a language that "just works" out of the box.

In the past thirty years, I've had only a few small problems with English. It's almost always done what I wanted it to do. The few times I've tried to speak Chinese, though, I've just had people laugh at me and tell me to read the f'ing manual. I don't want to have to take a Chinese-speaking certification class just to try to fix my broken Chinese.

People just need to give up already. English is here to stay and gets lots of third-party support. In fact, when I travel to other countries, they usually speak English there, too. You can't really survive traveling to other countries if you speak Chinese.

Also, Chinese just overwhelms you with the options. Do you really want to have to decide between Mandarin, Cantonese, Taiwanese, and all the other local dialects? Sure, English has a few phrases that aren't shared between the British XP and the American 2000, but at least they can understand each other. People don't like choice. They like a single language.

Chinese is just not ready for the desktop, folks. It doesn't matter if 1/6 of the world's population speaks it...

LOL. This thread is hilarious! I might write one later.

Isn't that an understatement!

I can understand that Chinese is not even ready for the world. It was designed that way. Now Chinglish is another story altogether!

Some people come to Kunming with an "English only" attitude; and usually run home to Momma. Most Kunmingren are "nong min" and don't even speak Chinese (Mandarin to those in the Middle Kingdom), they speak Kunminghua.

If you'd like to find the equivalent in America, go south of I-10 in Louisiana and find Boudreaux in his pirogue and let him sling a little Cajun at you ... you'll soon learn there are dialects in America that are further apart than "British XP and American 2000" for sure.

It's not important to learn the local dialect, or even the national standard, to run your computer; it's important to survive, stay sane, and have peace with those around you.

I have built computers with "Chinese on the desktop" -- they use both Jianti and Fanti, and work quite well. Only problem is, "wo kan bu dong Hanzi!"

I know you were just "whistlin' Dixie," so consider my post to be the same. :cool:

And that feller who came up with Pinyin!! What in the world was he smoking???

Umm... make that two-sixth of world`s population.

You're saying China makes up 1/3 of the world's population?

According to this website, it's more like 1/5.

Rise Up and Smite Me, Why Don't You
 

Being Story Number 42 in the Chronicles

You make me sick. You damn ancient evils are all alike, all full of hot air. Go ahead, rise up and smite me, why don't you. You pansy. Are all of the Old Ones little sissy-boys like you? That's why you're all hiding. You dumbass. I oughtta teach you a lesson. Now I know why R'lyeh didn't get one of the NFL expansion teams. You're a bunch of loser has-beens.

What? Are you talking to me? Are you talking to ME? Why don't you just go back to your non-Euclidean apartment, it's probably all done in pastels, isn't it, ya fairy. I ain't afraid of you. Ya see, I'm working with Them.

Oh, trying to make nice now, aren't you? Whaddya doin', calling up some of your fungi buddies? Can't take me yourself, is that it? I knew it. Well, I'm under Their protection, so even if I couldn't kick your ass from here to Yuggoth without even MOVING, when They found out what you did They'd come down on you so hard you'd think... well, something bad would happen, anyway. To you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've heard it all before. You may think the Committee Man is on your team, but They've got something he wants, and he won't cross them. Not to save your sorry ass. You're just a bit player in this game, Kapoopoo or whatever the hell your name is, and that's all you'll ever be. Now either give me my lottery ticket or give me my dollar back, or I'm calling the manager.

No, read it again. He replied to your comment "It doesn't matter if 1/6 of the world's population speaks it..."

More speak it than live in The Middle Kingdom.

But I seriously doubt it's 1/3 -- too arcane a language. Useless for programming. Too many disfunctional dialects.

Getting the wrong end of the stick

Hello I’m Linux de Troll and I live in a lovely little cave over looking de fjords and I would like to tell what happened to me de oder day. Diz strange beardy chap told me dat Linux iz a penguin, so I hit him wid my number three club, now dat’s what I call a good download. It was such fun watching him byting in and out of consciousness accompanied wid a high pitched squeak. After a few minutes of rolling about on de floor he got up and said dat it didn’t take long because I have a broad back, I did tell you he was strange, didn’t I?

Den he went on to say dat now you have been updated to de latest Colonel you’ll run much faster. He went on to say how I could become a famous hacker, I liked dat because I’m a real fan of hacking and slaying.

He started to walk out and said to me in a strange voice wid cave like echoes, usually reserved for B movies, “In a world wid out gates, who needs windows?” Well I like my windows it gives me a lovely view, one may even call in a vizta experience, well dat’s what my big broder Dos calls it. Anyway dat’s what happened to me de oder day, sorry for any typing miztakes but you try using a keyboard wid size fifteen fingers.

The population of the world is roughly 6 billion - population of India is over a billion and that of China is roughly two billion. 2/6th is what I said. :D

Excuse me, eh?

1,313,973,713 / 6,525,170,264 = 0.201370027116

So right, it's actually 1/5 of the world's population.

1 / 6 = 0.1666666666666667

2 / 6 = 0.3333333333333333

And the winner is .................. aysiu

The official population of China is just over 1.3 billion
For a fairly outdated figure of first language speakers see Top 100 Languages by Population, comparable language usage figures can be found here. Mandarin clearly tops it with 885 million compared with 322 million first language speakers of English. There are a number of distinct languages in China many sharing the same script.

Oh was that the Indian connection? <thanks>

Like China the populous nation of India has many languages, the most popular being Hindi.

But did I win the troll essay contest? That's the question...