Originally Posted by alphisb0t
Anyone know how I can fix this travesty?
The best thing I can suggest is to subscribe to the ALSA users mailing list: ALSA Mailing Lists
Send them an e-mail describing your problem. They will probably request more information from you (e.g. output of dmesg and lspci).
Unfortunately, ALSA is a bit of a roulette game. This is due to the fact that it works for most people, and the people for whom it does not work do not have the time to diagnose and fix the problems.