Okay, so apparently I was mistaken. I had left my default module as 8139too, and happened to restart my machine because I f'ed something else up. eth0 STILL doesn't show up in KInternet BUTTTTTT it does now let me connect to the web without using one of my wireless controllers. So that 8139cp module must have been the problem. Go figure, dumb luck.
All the same, if any one would like to post a reply to this thread congratulating me on my stumbling over myself victory over linux, I'd appreciate it