VICTORY!!! The title of this thread is now untrue. I'm sending this from Linux via the ethernet router, so I've got everything to work. I've already gone to my football club's fan site (www.bsad.org
for Watford, if you must know) and now I'm here.
Fantastic to be able to start work with this at last. My eternal gratitude goes to everyone who helped me get past the obstacles along the path.