Ubuntu is a really small distro with a nice x desktop environment, it fits on a single cdr, so not a lot of bloat to that one. There is a media player that plays music and videos, and will automatically download any codecs if it doesn't have the one it needs for a specific media file.
Turn off all the services you don't need at startup, that will make your boot time a lot faster. I wouldn't go so far as to uninstall it all.
Go to http://java.com/en/download/manual.jsp
and download a linux java jre, install it, and you're there.