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The fact that your capable of bearing and nursing a man's offspring has nothing to do with your potential competence at linux. If you boot from the Ubuntu CD, there is a function to put the live system on a flash drive.
There is some Windows garbage called U3 on all flash drives. You want to write zeroes to the beginning of the drive, several--3--times, to get rid of U3. This post will help you:
If you learn a little of that post, you'll be miles ahead. You can use qtparted of gparted to repartition the drive, if you even need to. Ubuntu might automatically do that. Somewhere in the last 2 pages of the discussion thread U3 is covered.
I might also suggest that you start a blog about Linux, because your writing style is delightful.