hey moses, sorry i dont hae a fix for either 1,2,3, or 4. however, i have been reading your link to http://www.euronet.nl/users/frankvw/IhateMS.html
. this has supplied me with hours of chuckles, and "ill be damneds." this is great newbie fuel (like myself) to keep us trying to learn the ways of the linux.
its not in the mailbox yet, but i have MDK 9.1 and 9.2 on the way (i ordered both because its cheap and refference of 9.2 not having a kernel included) just wanted to post that for any other newbie coming along;
to not give up hope young padwon, use the console you must (or so im told)