Linux Commitee responds to Microsoft
Highlights of the Linux International Developers & Systems Managers Organization of Kentucky, Emergency Resource Service
Here follow notes from the hastily assembled emergency meeting yesterday, in response to Microsoft's Spring News Information Coverage K-series English Release
(S.N.I.C.K.E.R. 2005) regarding the new OS code-named, 'LongPorn'
and drafted resolutions:
(1) Open source developers must do everything possible to ease and speed up the switchover from Windows to Linux systems, including the following enhancements:
(2) All future Linux Distros will be fully automated and impossible to configure, and distributed on a non-bootable CD that requires either a previous version of Linux to be running, or else a serial number to be entered, acquired by mail-order.
(3) A Special pop-up window will be added to the Linux boot-up sequence, with a non-moving bar graph, and a message: "Linux system booting: please wait...".
(4) A large gaudy logo will be displayed for 30 seconds, in order to slow the boot down to a reasonable, easy-going speed.
(5) Several 'remote access' backdoors will be added to Linux to enable virus-testers to hone their trade and allow Linux users to purchase anti-virus software of their own.
(6) Thousands of outdated and unusable drivers for 3rd party hardware will be compiled onto four more Linux CDs, which the user will be prompted to insert during install.
(7) A random 'blue-screen' feature will be added to give Linux the fun 'surprise factor' look and feel of a real operating system.
(8) Hundreds of icons of pac-man and happy-faces will be integrated into the GUI and message systems, to delight and amuse the whole family.
(9) Thousands of DOS 3.3 programs will be recompiled and ported to add superfluous, dangerous commands to every user commandline, such as 'FORMAT' and 'XCOPY'.
(10) Weird and undocumented config and init files will be integrated into every module of the OS, to slow down hackers and remote attackers and prevent anyone from comprehending the mechanics of the system.
These modifications should ensure a large number of Windows users will flock to Linux before they are caught in .NETs and forced to ride 'LongPorn'.