LinuxQuestions.org
Did you know LQ has a Linux Hardware Compatibility List?
Go Back   LinuxQuestions.org > Forums > Non-*NIX Forums > General
User Name
Password
General This forum is for non-technical general discussion which can include both Linux and non-Linux topics. Have fun!

Notices

Reply
 
Search this Thread
Old 09-05-2003, 03:26 PM   #1
flapjackboy
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Norwich, UK
Distribution: Mandrake 9.1
Posts: 310

Rep: Reputation: 30
If M$ made...


Movies:

You wouldn't be able to eat popcorn, drink a coke and watch the movie at the same time.

If the popper was popping corn, and they were selling a candy bar, the movie would pause.

They would announce that the next versions of the movie would enable colour blind people to watch in colour, and the deaf to hear it.

The film would break every 15 minutes and in the most important parts.

They would announce new breakthroughs in movie technology - colour and sound - forgetting that most other movies have had these for years.

Every new movie would require a new projector.

The projector would claim to take 32mm in film size, but in reality it would only show 16mm magnified to make it look like 32mm.

They would claim to have invented comedies.

Every movie would look pretty, but actually have mishmash holding it together, and contain no plot. Ooops! Sorry, that's from the "What if Hollywood Made Movies" list.

They would promise you an action/adventure flick starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sandra Bullock, but it would be 3 years late and end up being a sappy love story with Jim Carey and Madonna.

Their projectors must have reset buttons, requiring you to start the movie over and over to have any hope of seeing the entire film.

640 seconds? Whose gonna watch a movie longer than that??"
 
Old 09-05-2003, 07:39 PM   #2
Dhimani
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Oregon
Distribution: Mac OS X, SuSE 8.2
Posts: 186

Rep: Reputation: 30
Don't forget that the film would constantly be going in and out of focus for no apparent reason.
 
Old 09-05-2003, 09:27 PM   #3
js_530
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Posts: 162

Rep: Reputation: Disabled
There would also be a delux second edition, where there is sound in the last half of the movie, unlike the "personal" edition.
 
Old 09-06-2003, 03:31 AM   #4
ed_thix
Member
 
Registered: Apr 2002
Location: Malaysia
Distribution: Slackware 12.1 & ArchLinux
Posts: 87

Rep: Reputation: 15
is there any chance for the movie to go BSOD ????
 
Old 09-06-2003, 08:22 AM   #5
flapjackboy
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Norwich, UK
Distribution: Mandrake 9.1
Posts: 310

Original Poster
Rep: Reputation: 30
The projector breaks down halfway through the film and the only way to restart it is for everyone to leave the theatre, then go back in again. For some reason, we would just accept this...
 
Old 09-06-2003, 09:34 AM   #6
flapjackboy
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Norwich, UK
Distribution: Mandrake 9.1
Posts: 310

Original Poster
Rep: Reputation: 30
On a related note, here's the computer usage rules in movies:

* Word processors never display a cursor.

* You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

* All monitors display inch-high letters.

* The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.

* High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

* Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

* Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).

* All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

* Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.

* The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)

* All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

* Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.

* People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)

* A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

* Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others).

* Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

* When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

* If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access them.

* No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

* The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.

* Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.

* Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

* Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).

* Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.

* One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).

* The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)

* Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).

* You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password (see War Games).
 
Old 09-06-2003, 10:43 PM   #7
jspenguin
Member
 
Registered: Feb 2003
Location: Wichita, KS
Distribution: Heavily modified Redhat
Posts: 194

Rep: Reputation: 30
If Microsoft made:

Software:

* It would crash every 10 minutes.

Oh wait... they do and it does.
 
Old 09-07-2003, 12:01 AM   #8
sxa
Senior Member
 
Registered: Aug 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Distribution: Mac OS 10.7 / CentOS 6(servers) / xubuntu 13.04
Posts: 1,186

Rep: Reputation: 49
We only hope that M$ never takes over the movie business, like they are trying to do with the software business.. I run windows, yet my XP is screwed up, and it freezes for no reason at all, so I have been spending alot more time in Linux, and taking this time to learn how to do a bunch of things on Linux that I could not do before.
 
Old 09-07-2003, 08:55 AM   #9
320mb
Senior Member
 
Registered: Nov 2002
Location: pikes peak
Distribution: Slackware, LFS
Posts: 2,577

Rep: Reputation: 47
If M$ made Cars..........
one would have to replace the radio just to change stations.......cause there would be NO tuning knob.
 
Old 09-07-2003, 12:43 PM   #10
sxa
Senior Member
 
Registered: Aug 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Distribution: Mac OS 10.7 / CentOS 6(servers) / xubuntu 13.04
Posts: 1,186

Rep: Reputation: 49
Don't forget they would take forever to start-up (kind of corney)

Still I mean I have 512megs of RAM on a 1200MHz machine, and still everything takes to long to load, maybe its just me and all my start-up items.. Yet when I boot into linux My mail program starts and it takes only about 5 seconds to start using the system..
 
Old 09-07-2003, 04:16 PM   #11
flapjackboy
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Norwich, UK
Distribution: Mandrake 9.1
Posts: 310

Original Poster
Rep: Reputation: 30
They would advertise it as seating five comfortably, but when you actually recieve the car, it only has the driver's seat installed. When questioned, they reply that extra seats are available, but they each cost the same as the whole car.

The Oil, Petrol and Water temp guages have all been replaced with a single "General Engine Fault" light.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

They claim that it's a 32 valve engine, when in actual fact, it's just two 16 valve engines bodged together.

Apple would release a car that's solar powered, does 1,000 miles on a single charge and looks great, but only runs on 5% of the roads.

For no apparent reason, the engine will stall at random intervals and t he only way to get it going again is to wind the windows up, exit the car, then get back in again.

You wouldn't be able to get insurance for them as they'd crash so often.

If you try to use the cruise controle, air con and the radio at the same time, the engine cuts out.

Every time you start the car, it asks you where you'd like to go today?

You'd have to press the Start button to turn the engine off.
 
Old 09-07-2003, 05:27 PM   #12
sxa
Senior Member
 
Registered: Aug 2003
Location: Austin, TX
Distribution: Mac OS 10.7 / CentOS 6(servers) / xubuntu 13.04
Posts: 1,186

Rep: Reputation: 49
You are much more creative then I am..
 
Old 09-07-2003, 08:51 PM   #13
2damncommon
Senior Member
 
Registered: Feb 2003
Location: Calif, USA
Distribution: Debian Wheezy
Posts: 2,838

Rep: Reputation: 48
Heh, heh, heh, how about "if M$ made T.P.".
To evil to ponder...
 
Old 09-08-2003, 08:58 AM   #14
flapjackboy
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Norwich, UK
Distribution: Mandrake 9.1
Posts: 310

Original Poster
Rep: Reputation: 30
Well, Freaky, I can't claim credit for all of those, most of them were what I could remember from a comment made by the chairman of GM when Bill Gates compared the PC industry to the car industry.
 
Old 09-08-2003, 09:46 PM   #15
Dhimani
Member
 
Registered: Jul 2003
Location: Oregon
Distribution: Mac OS X, SuSE 8.2
Posts: 186

Rep: Reputation: 30
Quote:
Originally posted by 2damncommon
Heh, heh, heh, how about "if M$ made T.P.".
To evil to ponder...
It would be put in the microshaft bathroom....y'know a bathroom with only extremely thin one-ply paper, having no sink, soap, hand sanitizer or paper towels....eeewwwww!

Last edited by Dhimani; 09-08-2003 at 09:47 PM.
 
  


Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Made changes and now no sound IamSoConfused Linux - Newbie 4 12-15-2003 01:42 PM
I made it , Thanks everyone jillyt Linux - Newbie 5 12-08-2003 04:20 AM
how to save changes i made thru VI zexter Linux - Software 3 11-29-2003 03:16 PM
i made this mrIntegrity LinuxQuestions.org Member Intro 5 08-31-2003 11:44 AM
I have made it! little richard Linux - Hardware 0 08-18-2003 07:42 AM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:24 PM.

Main Menu
My LQ
Write for LQ
LinuxQuestions.org is looking for people interested in writing Editorials, Articles, Reviews, and more. If you'd like to contribute content, let us know.
Main Menu
Syndicate
RSS1  Latest Threads
RSS1  LQ News
Twitter: @linuxquestions
identi.ca: @linuxquestions
Facebook: linuxquestions Google+: linuxquestions
Open Source Consulting | Domain Registration