Hari's Little Contest#1: Linux Troll Essay Contest

vharishankar · 06-10-2005, 09:51 PM

I am planning to run a series of little essay-writing contests (I'm truly sorry I cannot provide physical prizes at present because of lack of resources) and I would like some entries from LQers. I will announce the winners here.

I will be putting up three of the best entries received (along with the name of the winners) in my website and I hope as many of you can participate in it as possible. It will be fun and it will be a good exercise in writing.

Note: If any of you *do not* want me to publish entries posted in this thread in my website, please do state so and I will respect your wish. Those entries will not be judged for the contest. I request the moderators of the general forum, namely XavierP, acid_kewpie and Mara to be the judges for this contest and select the three best entries.

If you have any doubts or require clarifications please don't post in this thread, but e-mail me so that we can keep this thread open only to contest entries.

The first contest will be quite fun and is an exercise in simulation. We have all seen Linux trolls everywhere. Now is your turn to take a dig at all trolls by writing a satirical trolling article/essay on Linux.

Rules of the first contest:

This particular contest is open only to registered members of LQ.org. Entries sent by e-mail will not count.
Subject: Write a short essay as a Linux troll. Make your essay as provocative as possible (that is one that would generate maximum replies and argument) without actually using foul/abusive language. Make it thoughtful, insightful yet as trollish as possible. There is no word limit, though keeping it short and simple will help. Humour and sarcasm will help.
You can post as many entries as you wish. All entries should be posted in this thread.
Do not use abusive/foul language. I cannot stress this enough. Entries containing foul/abusive language will be disqualified.
The three best entries will be judged by the moderators of General. Their decision will be final and binding.
The contest will end by the end of this month. 30th of June will be the last date for entries.
The three winning entries (in 1st, 2nd and 3rd place) will be posted in my website.
Winners will be announced here and the winning entries (along with the user who posted them) will be posted in my website.
In case less than three entries are received, the contest will be closed. No winners.

If the moderators have any objection to this thread, I request them to contact me and clarify. I would be very grateful if you could air your objections to me.

vharishankar · 06-12-2005, 12:30 AM

70 views and no entries yet. Let me kickstart this then. Note that this entry is an example and not considered for the contest.

I wrote this essay entirely from my imagination and this essay does not represent my views!

Quote:

Topic: The Linux Community has got to change

Dear all,

First of all, let me begin by stating that I am *not* anti-Linux. I am a great fan of all that Linux stands for and the FOSS philosophy of open-source. Sadly though, I was badly mistaken...

When my friends first introduced me to Linux, I was impressed. It was supposed to be the perfect OS. A complete replacement for Windows and I was so thrilled. According to them, Linux would satisfy all my computer needs and I no longer had to pay for my software, pay for a commercial OS that would require constant updating and patching for security. Linux, they said, was 100% secure. No viruses, no spam, no more trojans, no more spyware. Impressive. In this mood I quickly downloaded Fedora Core (which was touted as one of the most newbie friendly distros around). Installing Linux was easy. So I was lulled into a sense of complacency. And then began my woes. There was no hardware detection wizard! My god! How was I supposed to use my printer, my digital camera and my softmodem? I was clueless. This was supposed to be that OS that just worked! When I thought Fedora would recognize my hardware I was only 20% right. The only device that got detected was my network card. Fine. I thought. Nobody's perfect. Let's give Linux another chance.

So I googled around for my problem (who doesn't

). I found a plethora of information all confusing and disjointed and difficult to piece together. I wondered whether I had to get a Ph.D in rocket science before I could understand all that stuff. I read online HOWTOs for hours and wore my eyes out. I began reinstalling Linux in the hope that the hardware would get detected somehow. Finally I began downloading every other Linux distribution out there. Mandrake, Suse, Redhat... I tried them all. Finally I came across an online bulletin board, supposed to be inhabited by Linux experts.

With a lightening heart, I hoped that this would be the end of my woes. Finally, I would get some help to use this so-called "perfect" Operating System. Whoa! I was wrong!

They asked me to recompile the kernel to "include hardware support"! What was that all about?!! Kernel? What's that? I was clueless and I admitted it. And then I was in for a shock. I began recieving messages asking me to "google" it or RTFM. Well, hadn't I done all that and I was still in a daze? Was this the "perfect" OS and the "perfect" community that supports this OS? I was outraged and I complained to the site administrator who never bothered to reply. I must admit that a few kind souls did try to teach me how to "configure" my hardware.. But I was still clueless. WHY the hell should I "configure" anything? I am not a programmer. I never know the difference between a compiler and an interpreter. The maximum knowledge of programming I possess is the little bit of GW-Basic I learnt at school. I was saddened and disheartened at the attitude of the community which assumes that every Linux user should be an expert. Sorry. You shouldn't need to be an expert to use that "perfect" OS!

Why doesn't this so-called perfect OS come with something as simple as a hardware detection wizard? Isn't this something basic that every computer user expects? Microsoft may not be liked by some people, but nobody can deny that they revolutionized the software industry and made computers available to the common man. When I asked this very logical, very reasonable question, all I got was a bunch of attitudes, no solutions.

Needless to say, I ditched Linux quickly. I wanted to get work done, not get bombarded by a bunch of "gurus" with attitudes. Wow! Was I impressed or what! With that kind of a community, Linux is in trouble. I feel sorry for this man, Torvalds. No doubt he wanted to build an OS that would compete with Microsoft, but even he couldn't have imagined what a monster he had unleashed in the form of this Linux community.

Linux should be bought over by corporates who at least understand the customer needs and the so-called "community" needs to be disbanded. I'm sure thousands of ordinary people like me wouldn't mind paying for it if it was made a lot easier. And companies listen to the customer. They have a motive. They want profit and it's not such a bad thing after all. After all, the customer is the King. The Linux community is full of half-competent "gurus" who like to hide their lack of knowledge under a cloak of superiority and only delight in taking it out at newbies like me.

n0sr · 06-12-2005, 12:50 AM

Sorry, my brain is mush right about now, I'll see if I can come up with something... Until then I can see this is going to be fun!!

oneandoneis2 · 06-12-2005, 10:15 AM

I've been busy with my anti-troll "Linux is not Windows" article, but I'll work on the troll ASAP

synaptical · 06-12-2005, 10:33 AM

lynucks suX0r!!!! U aLL thiNk uR l33t becuz U uze liN(s)uCKs, but n0thyng evr wurkz. oMG windows rULez! i lyk my komputR to w0rk s0 i can plAy gamez, not hAff to mess around with it aLL the tymE!

i guess i'd make a rotten troll.

vharishankar · 06-12-2005, 11:19 AM

oneandoneis2, n0xvb: I look forward to your entries! Thanks

synaptical: Thanks. Shall I consider that your entry? Note: you can post more entries if you want. Just make sure you use the "quote" option to separate your main post from your entry.

Looking forward to more entries!

Thanks and Regards.

samael26 · 06-12-2005, 01:48 PM

Linus is silly and itss stink<!

Fisrt i wanna say that I just stole this compueter yesrterday to plays a games with my friensd. We plays at sends virusses at ich ozer. THats's FUNN !!! Gahhahhha !!
The namz on the compuetre was Harishnakar and i t had nuthin but silly linus on. Lots of linus, ze guys like it !

I usally stole compuerters with Windos on it, coz' it s eazi and their always have lost of , ya
kno, nudie women an'all, on 'em.

It is so complicatted that i cann't undersatnd anyting.
So I come to thsi site to found if piple here can helps me and i don't kno why, they dont's.
I am shure its coz' they dont kno they selfs to uze the comps.

Some of zem on this borring site they'ze got 'gurus' undr ther namez. Me i kno 'Skippy' the Kanguru but its a like them big rats with longg tailz tyhey'z live in austria or Austra, far from here anyways. Why are they calls zem selfs 'Kangurus'. IT's stoopid !!

Linus is A birdy with live in Antaractica, in them hissbergs; it's no kanguruz.
On Windoz ya just plugz in the mainz an the box is OKAy , wel, at lease 15 minits.
On linus, ya can let it go all nite but ya need 3 yearz to kno to uze it §!

Linus stinks. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!é'_çifb s,;o!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

zackarya · 06-13-2005, 12:47 AM

Harishankar, while I realize this is just for fun, I personally read enough "Troll crap" everyday.

I would like to see something along the lines of proper user input validation and error control.
Programming stuff.

I'm not one to thread jack though, so against my better judgment.....

/Begin insane meaningless straw-man arguments that I don't even believe myself.

It's finally official. After fifty years of painstaking research and BILLIONS of dollars
we finally have the answer to the question that's been on all our minds since birth.

Is Linux ready for the desktop.

Fortunatly for the rest of the world this research was done on the American taxpayers
dime. In a deal between Bush and the Devil(which all parties agree was not coerced
and was penned in blood) five of the top 1000000 researchers funded by 2% of 28%
of the remaining 68% where the top 3 of the aforementioned top 5 revealed today that
there is a 50% chance that their claim is indisputable. According to the agreement
between Bush and Beelzebub (from now on referred to as the "No blood for Linux scandle")
we will all be able to sleep without having to worry whether Linus "I'm a commie" Torvalds
(which this reporter has on the highest authority is actually a gay homosexual alien from
the crab nebula) will be coming to get them or their childern.

I for one am glad that this mess has finally been cleared up and I'm sure you all are as well.

Don't forget to check my exclusive behind the scenes look at reporters entitled "Um, I'm
pretty sure I didn't make THAT story up."

/end random meaningless comment.

Actually that was pretty fun. Hope you all get a little laugh, I did while writing it.
Zack

vharishankar · 06-13-2005, 01:19 AM

zackarya, thanks for your entry

My next essay contest will be on something more serious. Don't worry.

zackarya · 06-13-2005, 02:36 AM

O.k. I've got one more. I'm a glutton for punishment.

My Linux horror story.

Well I finally broke down and tried this "Linux" thing that everyone was talking about.
I went into this with high expectations. Now don't get me wrong, I never thought that
it was going to be as good as Windows is, but I never could have imagined the pile of
steaming crap that "Linux" would turn out to be.

For starters, now get this, if I wanted to get this so called "free" program, I would have to download a FULL CD. Now
like most of you I have an AOL dialup account and as you can imagine this was not an option for me. I was already getting the
feeling that "Linux" was for the super uber geeks that have that "Broadband" stuff. That was nut kick number 1. But I'm a trooper,
so I searched for some other way to get it. Well after countless hours of searching I came across someone who was willing to
send me a DVD. Now for my second kick in the nuts. This guy had the nerve to ask me for four dollars to send it to me. FOUR
DOLLARS for a friggin "free" program. I'm starting to think these FLOSS people don't understand what the word "free" means.
I think FLOSS needs to look at the way MicroSoft does things. When I bought my computer, Windows XP was already on there for FREE.
I was determined to find out what the hype was about though, so I emptied my bank accounts and sent the guy the money.
Finally, like a WEEK later my DVD arrived. I sat down, put the DVD in my CDROM and waited.
Nothing. NOTHING. I was immediately on the phone with my local police department to report the fraud that I was just a victim
of. That's when I got my third kick in the nuts. They told me there was nothing they could do about it. I'm out my life savings
and nobody seemed to care.

That was my experience with "Linux". I don't want to sound bitter but until FLOSS can fix the following problems with "Linux" you
would be well advised to stay far far away(unless you enjoy being repeatedly kicked in the nuts).

1. FLOSS should just send everyone free copies of Linux, if it really is "free".
2. Linux needs to be able to stop people from selling fake copies of itself.
3. Linux needs to have local police agencies behind it.
4. Linux needs to make a deal with the Post Office so that it doesn't take so long to get it.

And the MAIN thing FLOSS needs to do with Linux -

I should be able to run "Linux" from Windows. That's the only way to be sure it works correctly.

I'll be sticking with Windows XP. I mean, think about it. There was Windows 2000, 2003 then XP. Obviously MicroSoft has invented
some sort of time travel device and brought back technology from so far in the future we've run out of numbers to describe it.

Zack

vharishankar · 06-13-2005, 02:59 AM

Nice one, zackarya!

ksgill · 06-13-2005, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by zackarya
O.k. I've got one more. I'm a glutton for punishment.

My Linux horror story.

Well I finally broke down and tried this "Linux" thing that everyone was talking about.
I went into this with high expectations. Now don't get me wrong, I never thought that
it was going to be as good as Windows is, but I never could have imagined the pile of
steaming crap that "Linux" would turn out to be.

For starters, now get this, if I wanted to get this so called "free" program, I would have to download a FULL CD. Now
like most of you I have an AOL dialup account and as you can imagine this was not an option for me. I was already getting the
feeling that "Linux" was for the super uber geeks that have that "Broadband" stuff. That was nut kick number 1. But I'm a trooper,
so I searched for some other way to get it. Well after countless hours of searching I came across someone who was willing to
send me a DVD. Now for my second kick in the nuts. This guy had the nerve to ask me for four dollars to send it to me. FOUR
DOLLARS for a friggin "free" program. I'm starting to think these FLOSS people don't understand what the word "free" means.
I think FLOSS needs to look at the way MicroSoft does things. When I bought my computer, Windows XP was already on there for FREE.
I was determined to find out what the hype was about though, so I emptied my bank accounts and sent the guy the money.
Finally, like a WEEK later my DVD arrived. I sat down, put the DVD in my CDROM and waited.
Nothing. NOTHING. I was immediately on the phone with my local police department to report the fraud that I was just a victim
of. That's when I got my third kick in the nuts. They told me there was nothing they could do about it. I'm out my life savings
and nobody seemed to care.

That was my experience with "Linux". I don't want to sound bitter but until FLOSS can fix the following problems with "Linux" you
would be well advised to stay far far away(unless you enjoy being repeatedly kicked in the nuts).

1. FLOSS should just send everyone free copies of Linux, if it really is "free".
2. Linux needs to be able to stop people from selling fake copies of itself.
3. Linux needs to have local police agencies behind it.
4. Linux needs to make a deal with the Post Office so that it doesn't take so long to get it.

And the MAIN thing FLOSS needs to do with Linux -

I should be able to run "Linux" from Windows. That's the only way to be sure it works correctly.

I'll be sticking with Windows XP. I mean, think about it. There was Windows 2000, 2003 then XP. Obviously MicroSoft has invented
some sort of time travel device and brought back technology from so far in the future we've run out of numbers to describe it.

Zack

Are you for real?

Joey.Dale · 06-15-2005, 12:21 AM

My Linux Rant:

To all the hackers,

There is a pluge, a cancer living amoung us. A growing problem. Today I cought a my brother hacking someone. He broke my new dell. I went to boot it on and discovered that he illegally installed hcking tooling onto my computer. The screen was all back with white letters that said "root@localhost #" I found he was using an illegal program called "irc" to help him install a hacking tool called "liunx". I did my research, liunx is used by hackers to hack AOL uses and steal money from microsoft. If you know anyone using this program, please turn them into the police. Don't believe me, read it for your self: http://www.microsoft.com/getthefacts. after talking to dell tech support, I found out that the only way to fix this was to buy a new computer. I have had my computer since 1996 and don't see why I should have to get a new one. LIUNX IS AN ILLEGAL HACKING TOOL that must be distroyed.

-Joey

vharishankar · 06-15-2005, 04:30 AM

That was quite original and also quite different too from the usual ones, Joey. Good work. Thanks!

Bruce Hill · 06-16-2005, 10:18 AM

Quote:

First, I'd like to say that I am writing this from my Micro$loth Windoze eXPerince (can you read the name?) computer. It also has a Linucks dually boot, but that one cannot seem to run the Windoze software that I've been using since 1991. If you can't run Notepad, and use cmd.exe, what kind of silly box are you sporting? What kind of a procrammer uses some stupid editor named after a fat, dead, hip swinger like Elvis the Pelvis, anyway!

I do remember that some college student in Sweden started some rumors about an alternative operating system. His goal was to sink Mr. Minix, which he seems to have done by 1993. However, he will never sink Gill Bates...and this is why.

When the rest of the world wants it's software FREE, Mr. Bates is selling his software to the highest payer. Yes, you could always get a pirated copy of Windoze eXPerience, but then, who's going to give you tech support? Who's going to let you access their servers and patch the things that those Linux hackers have broken on your Winders box? Huh? Who's going to help you when you have a worm, virus, trojans, or even a registry error? Do you think those elitest Linus lusers are going to come crawling out from their Perly Towers and lend you a hand? If you think so, I've got some land in Florida I'd like to sell you.

In my own spare time at work (where we have a T1 line), I downloaded one of those KNUTBOX Linux LiveCD things. While my co-jerkers were taking a break, I inserted it into one of their computers. There was no need to take a risk when my own md5sum was hidden behind the water cooler.

When my co-jerker came back from work, and restarted his computer, we were all amazed! The desktop no longer had that Lost House Over The Prarie background...and the beautiful Start button had been replace by a huge K that had a thing around it that looked like it came from a Rotary International meeting! So, this Limebox Tuxedo feller has a bigger conspiracy going than we ever imagined! What will he do next? Can you imagine if he actually starts putting his little Penguin bird on stickers for computers?

Well, since this computer wasn't being used for anything important that day, my co-jerker decided to see what all this Liners vs. Winders stuff was all about. The first thing he did was try to get to his My Music folder and play some of that Brickeny Spits Tenny Bopper Licks stuff. To our amazement, he could find everything that was in My Documents and everything! This must be some security leak!

Now, I must tell you, it wasn't that the music didn't sound good or anything, but we never could figure out what XMMS stood for. We searched Yahoo! and DogPile and CatScratch before finally resorting to Gobble...and all we could really learn was that GNU is not UNIX. Well, that's good enough, but still, why can't they just name it something like Linucks Media Player, or something simple like that.

So we decided to browse to a Linerx helpers site, and we found this Linux's Questions dot orgy, but it was no help. Everytime we posted something that was a legitimate question, that Tricky Kid pulled a fast one on us and moved it into the General's Forum. Well, you know the General's Forum is no place for someone just getting their cup holder full of KNUTBOX Linucks for the first time!

Since no one else named this XMMS application, we decided to call it XavierP's Music Makin' System for Linucks. But it still doesn't have those psychedelic swirly things that Winders Medium Player has, so what kind of a jukebox is it?

Next we wanted to play a game. Well, that KNUTBOX guy from Germany has a sick sense of humor, mind you. He put a whole bunch of games in there, but none of the usual ones. Where was Pacman? Asteroids? Even Need For Some Speed? I'll bet he didn't even find a Warez site he could reach with the Fireless web browser. Fair enough, though...it had a PopUps stopper just like Internut Exploder with Slick Package 2! So, you gotta give this Klock Knutbox some credit.

Since them Linucks guys are always talking about how they can code this, and bash that, and find their sed and make you awk, we tried to make DOS 666 work. Heck, they didn't even have that cmd.exe command! What kinda coders are they?

And then there was this other problem we had. It seems that Mr. Limebox Tuxedo has NOT put an anti-virus or spyware scanner on his computer. We found a whole bunch of .dll files missing, which is sure sign of the Whatchacallit From HP worm. It thinks you'll never notice that it uninstalled some files without using the Control Panel (which KNUTBOX doesn't even have), so you can't really get all the files removed. And then there was that Koncrasher file manager/web browser/picture viewer thing. It didn't even have a selection for Tools > Folder Options > View so you could see the Hiding Files. Who are these Linucks Smackers trying to fool? We all know that Koncrasher is really just a web browser, and not part of the operating system. Heck, you could even disinstall it and the rest of them KID softwares...if we could just find the right button in them 76 menus!!!

Well, if that wasn't enough, there was no way we could turn the sound off. No matter what program we were running, they would all play sound at once! Can you believe it? And everything had to start with a K in front of the name. Conspiracy...that's what it is, it's a conspiracy that this Limebox Tuxedo feller put the K when we all know his name starts with a L. Close enough, but not fooling any of us! Seriously, Limebox...who wants their CD and DVD movie and KMail email and Fireless browser flash all playing at the same time! He's so funny, he didn't even install a disable button!

We couldn't get the wireless mouse to work right, either. It would scroll and the front and back and side and up and down and over to the left and over to the right leaning scroll wheel would work, but good grief! Everytime we even accidentally highlight something, if we pushed down on the scroll wheel, something would just popup right where the pointer was...now, that has got to be some kind of bug, or virus, or maybe one of them self-duplicating worms! It's dangerous for sure.

So we thought, okay, we'll print from Katchy Bushes computer over in accounting. No way it's going to do that...heck, there's not even a Netjerk Neighborsgood on that thing. Well, since this rascal didn't have Internut Exploder, or Searching Packs II, we used Nutscrape. You know, that old application web browser type thing that Mr. Gill Bates got rid of when he put the Internut Exploder in Winders 9-1-1. Sure enough, we couldn't find any printers. We clicked on the File > Print button and what happened? It wanted a CUP or something! Yes, ready for the Doorstop Market...sure! The silly thing even tried to print to a PostScript printer named default. Well, that wasn't fooling us, cause we know Missy Bushes printer is named spot, not default.

Okay, well, that leaves a lot to be setup in this KNUTBOX Live CD discombobulation! Yes, ready for the Doorstop Market...NOT!

It was interesting to find that there seems to be no control on the applications in this thing. I mean, we could start a whole bunch of them at one time, and they didn't even wait on the other applications to get finished before they just jumped up there! How rude! They don't even take turns like in Windblows!

So, I just wanna say, this Linucks operation system is really lacking in some crucial things. And not just the lack of proper viruses and worms written for it...there's not Windblows 2003 Attackable Server for it, either!

Get real guys! I tried this KNUTBOX Lively LinucksCD for maybe two or three hours, and sure enough, just when the boss walked in, I was on a techical support forum looking up how to enable my DNA! Ouch, did that really get him worked up! He said there was not going to be any new RAM available for Linucks until at least 2007, because they can't even make a decent SCSI bus interface! And don't even think about getting my elevator's to go all the way to the top! Why, the top doesn't even stop, it just keeps on going until you have to reboot!

And whoever knows if a change really works in Linucks' anyway? It never told US to reboot!!!

My lastest words for you Linucks guys. First, you have too many SCSI bitmaps, and you don't know what you're talking about. Leave the Professional operating systems to the guys in Redneck, Washyourbrains. Second, if you can't even make your operating system run on a computer you bought from Wal-Mart on Highway 17 work without installing it, well...let's just say, you're lame.

Finally, like my Uncle who used to wear suspenders and work on those Linucks computer would say....

"Here's a nickel, kid. Get yourself a better computer." ~ Edger Serious Redneck (ESR)

I never did figure out where he could get a computer for a nickel...

oh, yeah, before I forget...I never could find a file named foo and I think that was just a plot to distract from my nickname.... Fu Bar

Fu Bar, Jr.
coder from Nutbush